Bread and Circuses

March Madness could just as easily be called March Mundanity. So many platitudes, so little substance. The coaches talk in coach speak, the players talk in cliches, and the announcers talk endlessly without saying anything.

It’s probably for the best. If I got to hear the interviews and comments I want, coaches would be out of jobs, players would be on probation, and announcers would be begging for spare change on street corners. Still, it might be fun to hear…

(Announcer) "Really, the turnaround came when the alumni forced out Coach Spotless and brought in Elmer Greed from Sleeze U. He was willing to lower academic standards and hook his players up with wealthy alumni. And I’m sure he feels just as bad as anyone about what happened to those girls. Bottom line, Greed did what it took to bring a winner to Foggy State."

(Coach) "Harvey doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. Heck, I could go on all day about the words Harvey doesn’t know the meaning of. He’s got the heart of a warrior. The brain of a crack addict whose been drinking heavily, but the heart of a warrior."

(Player) "Don’t believe the hype. Johnson didn’t belong on the same court with me. When you look in their eyes and see fear you know they are beat. I took him downtown and left him in the dumpster. After that last pump fake his shoes and the rest of his equipment weren’t even in the same area code."

(Announcer) "It’s like Coach Jones always has said, it’s about the kids. Can’t win without em’, can’t take them out in a field and put them out of their misery."

(Coach) "The sixth man makes the difference for Carolina. You might hold their starters down on any given night, but the refs will always be their extra man on the court. You know it, I know it, the player’s grandmothers know it. You draw the Tarheels in a bracket you might as well just pack up and go home."

(Player) "I got 25 points and 8 boards, in a couple of months I’m going pro. I’ve got a sneaker contract that will pay me more in a year than everyone of your relatives has made going back to when they came to America, and on beyond the next generation. And you think I’m upset because we didn’t win a tournament?  I’m high right now, but I’m not as far out as you have to be to ask me that."

(Announcer) "Billy, I’m sitting here listening to you and it occurs to me that you don’t have any idea what you’re talking about and probably haven’t the whole time we worked together. Do you ever listen to what you’re saying?"

(Coach) "Should I have sat Peterson with two fouls at the end of the first half? You’re asking ME, about a coaching decision. Son, I own cuff links that are worth more than what you make in a year. Why don’t you go warm up the Prius and wait in the car while the adults talk basketball."

(Player) "Sometimes in practice Coach would make us run the same play over and over until we were about to drop out. Then I’d just look at him and think, ‘My son is going to have one mean sunofagun for a grandfather.’"

(Announcer) "I’m sorry Jay, what did you say. Did you see that cheerleader?"

It won’t happen, but it never hurts to dream.

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