Bread and Circuses

Starring Dustin Hoffman as Manager Phil Garner.

Tom Cruise as GM Tim Papura.

Valeria Golino as owner Drayton McLane
(hey, you got a better idea?).

(McLane):  Phil has a problem
communicating and learning.  He can’t even manage or probably even…understand
his pitching staff in a traditional way.  To him, changes in routine, even
small ones, can be terrifying.

(Garner):  Six innings.  A
starting pitcher goes six innings.  Then lefty lefty, righty righty, lefty
lefty, righty righty.  Four a game.  Or five.  A major league pitching staff
should have a minimum of thirteen pitchers.  Each pitcher should pitch
four times a week.  Each pitcher will pitch no less than seventy and no
more than eighty-five games a season. 

From 1962 to 1965 the Astros were known as
the Colt 45’s, then they moved to the Astro Dome and became the Astros. 
In 1965 Houston used 21 pitchers, beginning alphabetically with
Don Arlich, then Bob Bruce, then Mike Cuellar, then….

(Papura):  Does he know how much
money we’ve spent on this team?

(McLane): No. He doesn’t understand the concept of money.

(Papura): He doesn’t understand the concept of money. I just spent $112 million…
and on Carlos Lee and he doesn’t understand the concept of money? Well, that
is poetic, don’t you think?

(Garner):  What’s his name? Lamb. Then who’s playing first? Yes. Who? The fellow playing third base for Houston. Who? Ensburg.  No, Lamb.  Third base?  I don’t know?  Lamb.  Right field Lamb.  Third base Loretta.  No, who’s on first?  Lamb.  No, Loretta, No Lamb, No… 

(Papura):  Why is he doin’ that?  

(McLane): Whenever he gets nervous, he does ‘Who’s On Third?’ It’s his way of dealing with you optioning Matt Albers and stuff.  

(Garner): Craig Biggio.  Ten thousand, five hundred forty-three at bats, two thousand nine hundred and seventy-two hits.  Two twenty eight, two twenty eight, two twenty eight…

(Papura): It’s okay, Phil. Come on. My main man.  

(Garner): Brad Ausmus, my main man. My main man. Brad Ausmus.  Bradley David Ausmus, New Haven Connecticutt, April 14 1969.  Three thirteen slugging average.  Three thirteen.  Who’s on first?  Lamb?… 

(Papura): If I traded Ensburg tomorrow and didn’t say anything, he’d never notice, would he? I mean, if we never won another game.. 

(Garner):  Lamb.  On third base.  I don’t know.  Right field.

(McLane): I’m not sure, but I don’t think winning is his first priority.

(Garner):  Lefty lefty, righty righty.  It’s 27 pitches to 100, pull the starter.  Pull the starter. Pull the starter.

(Papura):  Listen, ah, Phil.  Our playoff hopes died last week. 

(Garner):  That means Roger won’t pitch for us again. 

(Papura): I thought maybe we could go watch us play the Reds, Phil.  Jennings is going to pitch.

(Garner): He pitched in April. Not scheduled to pitch ’til June.

(Papura): He’s gonna pitch tonight - Tuesday.

(Garner): I’m not doin’ anything on Tuesday. - Yeah, Tuesday. Let’s go to a game. - Yeah.

(Papura): Come on, Phil.

(Garner): It’s a Long way to the playoffs…

(Papura):  I know, Phil, I know.

(Garner):  We’re playing Cincinnati.  I buy all my clothes at a K-Mart in Cincinnati.  The have relief pitchers in Cincinnati.  I need  thirteen relief pitchers.

(Papura):  I know, Phil, I know.

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