Bread and Circuses

Quoted from anonymous sources within Peter Angelo’s command bunker deep under Camden Yards.

When you hired Sam Perlazzo you said "Rough seas make a great sea captain." What did you mean by that?

We expected Sam to follow the tradition of great captains such as Edward John Smith of the Titanic, who went down with his ship and became a convenient excuse for the malfeasance of the White Star Line.

So the Orioles record is Perlazzo’s fault?

Look at the lineup we assembled for him. Kevin Millar, Corey Patterson, Jay Gibbons, Paul Bako. Should I go on?

No, please don’t. Didn’t you tell Perlazzo help would be coming from AAA?

No, and I’m glad you’ve given me the opportunity to clear that up. We told Sam that he could call AAA up if his rental car broke down on the way out of Baltimore. Or, at least the first fifty miles. After that our discount coupon expires and he’s on his own.

Your off season priority seemed to be signing as many free agent middle relievers as possible. Why was that?

We had seen our starting pitching the previous year and felt it was a prudent thing to do. If you’ve employed a staff of chain smokers to work in a fire works factory, it seems only prudent to keep extinguishers around.

How did that work out?

We feel confident that when Danys Baez returns from the disabled list he will be able to get his ERA down below 6.00, maybe even to the mid 5’s by the end of the season. We’re looking for at least 50 innings from him this season so we can get our return on investment down into the $100,000 per inning range.

Before the O’s June slump the team was at .500 and in second place in the AL East. At that time, did you believe the team was playing up to it’s potential?

No, but it has been lately.

So…you fired the manager because?

The team has been playing to it’s potential. Weren’t you paying attention?

Well, yes, but…

Let me explain it. As long as the team was playing above it’s potential people thought we knew what we were doing. But when the Orioles began playing at their potential the fans and media started to notice and somebody had to go. It wasn’t going to be ownership or management and nobody in their right mind would trade for our players. That left Sam.

As the fall guy?

We like to think of him as a retrograde performance justification asset. Sam served us well in that capacity.

And now you’re talking to Joe Girardi?

Yes. Joe will be the perfect manager for this club. He finished six games under .500 in his one season managing the Marlins and the press and fans practically threw roses at his feet. To be able to take mediocrity and recast it as genius, that’s something we’ve needed here for a long time.

But Girardi has a reputation for having a gigantic ego, only listening to himself, not extending himself toward the fans, and often making decisions that seem illogical?

Exactly, Mr. Angelos sees so much of himself in Joe. It’s like the son he never had but wanted to take the place of the ones he did.

Perlazzo lasted just over one season as manager. How long do you think Girardi will take to make the team successful?

Oh, I wouldn’t expect that. But he should be able to get us at least through the next ticket price increase.

One final question. What has this organization done to the great Oriole tradition?

You can buy a bobble head of Cal Ripken in the team store.

But that’s cheap and plastic and doesn’t connect to the team’s past.

Exactly. It’s the embodiment of everything we stand for as an organization.

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