Bread and Circuses

Saturday morning. Out of ideas and reading the FOX Sports website headlines. So Michael VIck posed for a photo with a pit bull? Call me back when they have night vision pictures of Joey Harrington and Rosie O’Donnell. Now, that’s a scandal. Tiger Woods pulls out of a tournament and panic spreads across the greens. Not so much story material as a sad commentary on the state of golf. The Cubs overpaid for pitcher. Wonder what the fresh angle is there?

Then it hits me. Bloggers write about each other a lot. Between flame wars and shameless cross promotion in the quest for the Holy Grail (BOTD), we’ve just about exhausted the possibilities. But the FOX Sports website contributors? A target rich environment we haven’t yet begun to mine. Oh, there’s the occasional attack on Dayn Perry, but who hasn’t done that? It’s almost a rite of passage, and a good sign Perry is the most read FOX contributor.

Look at the roster:

This is Mark Kriegel. The first time I saw his photo I wondered why FOX Sports would give Danny Bonaduce his own column. Kriegel writes the hip, edgy material on FOX. Nothing says hip and edgy like a black and white photo of Keith’s little brother. I’m hoping they can work something out with Susan Dey.

You can just look at this guy and tell he is a football writer. John Czarnecki. The name even fits. "A crushing block on the cornerback by Czarnecki paves the way to another Pitt touchdown!" I think all sports writers should have names that fit their sport. Duncan Ball on hoops, M. T. Seats covers soccer, Hi N. Thite on the baseball beat.

The legend, the man, the myth. Dayn Perry. This photo was taken after his return from the most recent X-Files convention. I suspect Perry is a good southern boy. Down here we pronounce d-a-m-n as "dayum", so I think Dayn is just country for Dan (Day-un).

I picture him writing his column from an apartment above an old store on Main Street in Mobile. It is a Tennessee Williams type scene. "Day-un, ahm burnin’ up in hyah. Stop typing, the winda fayn has quit workin’ agin. Get in hyah and fix it. The world can wait anuthah ten minutes for your latest brilliant essay on Michael Vick. My daddy sayd you weren’t no Faulkner. We’re nevah leavin’ Mobile are we?"

They should have postponed taking Lee Spencer’s photo. This was made right after she tried to race Pablo Montaya to the last parking space before a NASCAR event. Sure, she’s smiling, but you can still see the fear in her eyes. We see a lot of women like Spencer in North Carolina. Nice, demure, but get them behind the wheel and it’s 0 to 85 mph on I-40 quicker than you can say Earnhardt. Probably has trouble getting insurance.

I like to read Charley Rosen’s articles. As they say up north. "What’s not to like?" The guy looks like he should be playing cards with Oscar Madison and his buddies after work. Remember the line in the Steely Dan song? "I rise when the sun goes down, cover every game in town…" That’s Charley Rosen.

Why would FOX hire the referee the NBA booted to write about basketball? Actually, it isn’t him, it just looks like him. That’s the thing with Randy Hill. This is the whitest white guy in America. Try this test. Walk through Home Depot today and see if you don’t see this guy at least five times. He’ll be there with his wife and 2.3 kids.

Al Strachan writes about hockey. Makes sense, he looks Canadian. Friendly smile, turtle neck sweater. The kind of guy who comes across from Windsor into Detroit and gets his wallet stolen in the first five minutes.

This is Spector. He also covers the NHL for FOX. He’s the guy who met Strachan in a bar in Detroit, stole his wallet, and then bought him a drink with his own money. Probably American, probably wanted by the police under a different name. The Spector alias likely hides a really weak name. Face, it, FOX would never hire Milton Tweed to write about hockey.

Jason Whitlock is a really good writer and deserves a better picture than this. It looks like a cropped image from a security camera in an IHOP at around 3 a.m. Anbody who has called Mike Lupica an "Insecure, mean-spirited busy body." is OK in my book. And deserves a better photo.

And finally, Jay Mohr. The hardest working man in show business.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001542/

If there is an actor’s version of a sweat shop this guy is working in it. You picture his agent getting a call from some Hungarian producer who wants him to do a training film for a widget factory in Klopnick. "Yeah, let me check with Jay (holds phone to one side for three count). He says great. Yeah, we’ll take payment in strudel."

I figure that is the explanation for his blog. "Jay, baby, you want to end up back in Verona at the Ace Hardware. Try the blog thing with FOX. If it doesn’t take off we’ve got an offer from the Pork Institute for you to do the state fair circuit. Something will turn up. Trust me." (Mohr) "OK (heavy sigh) show me the money."

It could be worse. It could be ESPN.

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