Bread and Circuses
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Archive for December, 2007
December 31, 2007 at 7:45 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
A backwards glance through a years worth of blogs….
JANUARY
Hall of Fame time.
Was I the only person who thought Jim Rice had a chance (or deserved
one)?…..Nick Saban blew into Alabama like a hi plains grifter….Barbaro was
put down, leading me to suggest J.D. Drew go into hiding…the 14 days of Super
Bowl Festivus came and went…Prince played at halftime…the commercials were
lousy…and there was a game…I think.
FEBRUARY
Six guns, 550 rounds of ammunition, three pit bull dogs,
two ounces of marijuana, and kids in the house…ladies and gentlemen, meet Tank
Johnson….Scott Boras decided ARod was underpaid and couldn’t even convince ARod…Jamal
Tinsley and two teammates got in a bar fight…the bar manager ended up missing
part of his earlobe…Illiniwek (the Illinois mascot) was retired…the Washington
Redskin had no comment….and the annual tradition of Ron Santo not being elected
to the Hall of Fame continued.
MARCH
Students at Kansas State threw live chickens on the court
during a game against Kansas….and the Dallas Cowboys did the same with Drew
Bledsoe…the squawking and the feathers was awful…the
chickens, we meant the chickens. Sports Illustrated did an issue on global warming….leading to
speculation the annual swimsuit edition might someday be shot in
Pittsburg…Payton Manning dominated….on Saturday Night Live…LeBron proclaimed
himself an “International Icon”…and Isiah Thomas said “If we get in the
playoffs and don’t win it all I will be disappointed.” Evidently the medication had begun wearing
off.
APRIL
The Television Bureau of Canada banned an ad that showed
Frank Thomas engaged in a pillow fight with two misbehaving children…Florida
State won the NCAA in one of the ugliest games in memory….I suggested the winners
couldn’t have stood on the beach and hit the ocean and that the losers weren’t
quite that accurate…Sebastian Telfair did 77 in a 45 zone and was found with a
45 caliber pistol under his seat…he was never charged, the authorities
rightfully acknowledging there was less than a 37% chance of his hitting
anything…I wondered why the Yankees didn’t fire Joe Torre and why anyone
thought it would make a difference.
MAY
Josh Hancock died in a drunk driving accident…A study
suggested some NBA referees were prejudiced against black athletes…while
ignoring the possibility they were just on the take…in my infinite wisdom I
predicted Roger Clemens would win 11 games (he got 6)…Devils
Rays outfielder Elijah Dukes threatened his estranged wife in a message she
recorded on her answering machine…Dukes was traded to Washington when the
season ended…there is justice.
JUNE
Kobe Bryant demanded the entire Laker team be traded to New
Jersey…or something else, I stopped paying attention
long before that….Gary Sheffield said owners were a bunch of cheap so and so’s
who wanted to sign Latin American players for less money instead of
African-Americans…and somehow people questioned his logic …I predicted the
Spurs would win the NBA finals in 5….I was overly optimistic about Cleveland’s
chances…The Pirates gave away 38,000 Bob Walk bobbleheads…which is about 37,694
more than the number of people who remember Walk’s career.
JULY
Questions about Michael Vick dogged Nike…I suggested David
Beckham be deported…wondered about the difference between good cheating and bad
cheating…suggested Barry Bonds be allowed to hit a ceremonial homerun and be
put out to pasture like Funny Cide…and insulted Cal Ripken for no apparent reason.
AUGUST
Steve Spurrier, got mad because the admissions committee
attempted to function as an admissions committee and kept out a player he
offered a scholarship to….the University
President is alive and well and enjoying a sabbatical in the Urals….Jose
Offereman attacked a player with a bat, ending his career….Brett Myers beat up
his wife on a public street and got a three year $26 million contract from the
Phillies…this year he verbally attacked a writer twice his age. No word on whether this will result in a
raise and contract extension, or if the Phillies will require him to mug a handicapped person first as a good faith gesture.
SEPTEMBER
Appalachian beat Michigan,
striking terror in the hearts of Lenoir-Rhyne fans….the Duke lacrosse players
sued to recover their good names….(cough, cough)….I did a retrospective on
Joe Paterno, the early years…and pointed out that he lead a movement in the
60’s to abolish platoon football…I interviewed an actual bear who had requested
the Chicago Bears change their name.
OCTOBER
The Mets became the world’s most expensive origami project…I
suggested the Yankees fire Joe Torre and the Mets trade Kobe
and Phil to the Knicks….followed by a delusional forecast of a Cowboys upset of
the Patriots…a recreation of a phone conversation with Indiana coach Kelvin
Sampson….and a suggestion the World Series was irrelevant.
NOVEMBER
I forecast a Navy win over Notre Dame…who didn’t see that
coming?….wrote a spoof about a college football player building a dirty nuke….which
nobody got…suggested that fans “go green” by turning off Keith Olbermann….got
more clicks than I could have ever imagined with a cheerleader photo essay (it
was so simple, why didn’t I think of it earlier)…nearly froze to death at a
Wake Forest game…and gave away the secret of how to get “Blog of the Day”.
DECEMBER
The Yankees are after Johan Santana…or not…but might be…but
won’t…but could if they wanted….Sean Taylor was shot dead in his home…Tony
Kubek is up for the Ford Frick Award…he probably won’t get in…but Bowie Kuhn is
now in the Hall of Fame…and Marvin Miller isn’t..which logically means Krusty
the Clown will win this year’s Frick Award for broadcaster….Belichick shook
Mangini’s hand….then gave a sixteen finger salute to the vast majority of NFL
fans…Rich Rodriquez played West Virginia fans…so naturally the wealthy alumni
blame the school for letting him get away….and a report by a US Senator balls
the Bill of Rights up and tosses it in the wastebin….and the band played on.
17 Comments
December 30, 2007 at 8:10 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Why couldn’t the curse of Jessica Simpson have fallen on Tom Brady instead of Tony Romo?
Why does a jump shot a forty-five year old banker could make on his lunch break count as three points in the NCAA, while a shot you make with two six eleven guys beating you senseless in the paint counts two?
Why, if quitters never win and winners never quit, has Roger Clemens done so well financially by retiring over and over again?
Why has no one cast Coach K in the role of Scrooge in any of the remakes of a Christmas carol?
Why was Barry Bonds not satisfied with just being the greatest hitter since Ted Williams?
Why do I miss Dick Vitale when I complain so much about him when he works?
Why has everyone forgotten Cory Lidle so quickly?
Why doesn’t NASCAR add weight to cars driven by guys who shop in the juniors department at J.C. Penny?
Why do you assume I meant Jeff Gordon?
Why do the Dodgers think Joe Torre will make a difference when his record as a National League manager is 109 games under .500?
Why do teams bring their best relievers in just for the ninth inning with no men on base when games are more often decided with men on base in the seventh?
Why does LeBron James remind me so much of George McGinnis standing still and Michael Jordan when he’s moving?
Why do people still buy season tickets for the Pittsburgh Pirates?
Why are there more serious injuries now that the NHL has stricter rules against fighting?
Why does baseball take such a beating on steroids when football is much more likely to have serious problems with HGH?
Why does a college football game take three and a half hours to play?
Why doesn’t anybody wonder how college athletes pay for the late model SUV’s they are usually driving when the police find the gun under the seat and marijuana in the ashtray?
Why don’t we just get the DH in both leagues or do away with it?
Why is Goose Gossage headed for the Hall of Fame and Lee Smith isn’t?
Why won’t someone buy the Florida Marlins and move them to North Carolina? (Please)
Why didn’t whatever Stephon Marbury had in high school and college translate to the NBA?
Why do NFL cheerleaders look like the results of a really successful job of cloning?
Why can a college coach walk out in the middle of a contract and a college player has to wait a year before playing if they transfer?
Why is women’s soccer more interesting than men’s?
Why are there so many bad teams in the NFL this season?
Why do we blog?
16 Comments
December 28, 2007 at 8:02 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
It was late and I was thinking about Dizzy Dean.
Where did those guys go? The southern boys. The characters. The ones who loved the game, often times more than it loved them back. Who said the wrong thing at the right time. And laughed all the way home.
The short answer is they don’t exist. TV came along and gave the whole country Johnny Carson’s accent, which is to say no accent at all. Then came the modern media, then came the cynicism, then came the distance. And somewhere along the way it all became serious business practiced by serious men with serious faces. And agents.
And so we blog about these guys and magnify their failings. Oddly enough we don’t seem to magnify their successes the way previous generations turned Babe Ruth into a legend and Mickey Mantle into the idol of millions of young kids. Maybe it’s because we know better, maybe it’s because we know too much. There just aren’t that many illusions left to shatters.
Needles and pens. Players injecting HGH and sixteen syllable chemical compounds. And writers, and justice, slowly taking them down a notch.
What would old Diz’ think? Say you walked up to him in 34′ and let him see the future. A future where nobody much wins 20 games, even less 30. Where 30 wins would get you at least $20 million. Twenty-five if you sign up with Scott Boras. Thirty when you wave goodbye to Saint Louis and head for a free agent deal with the Yankees. Where there aren’t many nicknames and even fewer smiles.
If you gave Dizzy the chance to trade his $8,000 salary and his buddies on the Gas House Gang for a place in these modern times would he come back with you? I don’t think he would. And, despite his lack of education, I think that would be a pretty smart decision.
Think of what he would miss out on. Hanging out with Ducky Medwick and Pepper Martin and Frankie Frisch the Fordham Flash. Playing nothing but day games. Card games on the train trip to the next town. Little kids looking up to you and grown men wishing they were you. Having enough but not too much.
I bet nobody yelled “You s__k!” at Dizzy Dean. I doubt his salary was ever mentioned in the papers. He didn’t have to worry about some kids breaking into his house and shooting him for no better reason than envy, stupidity, and greed.
The pay was bad. African-American players couldn’t compete in the majors. Medical care was primitive at best. Most careers, like Dean’s, didn’t last long.
But I doubt Dizzy would take that ride to 2007. And I can’t say I’d blame him.
23 Comments
December 28, 2007 at 4:24 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Are the Rangers just playing games with Milton Bradley?
Would you show up for a morning shoot around with Jamal Tinsley?
If you missed seeing the Heisman awards, can you replay it on your Tebow?
Would NASCAR ever allow a car number 3.1466666666, or is it just a pie in the sky dream?
Is the reason Oakland didn’t make the Super Bowl last year that the Rolling Stones would gather for no Moss?
Who cashed in John Madden’s frequent flyer miles?
Was Michael Vick dogging it during his last season in Atlanta?
What will the Giants buy now that they cashed in their Bonds?
What is the difference between an odd man rush and an odd man in a rush?
If you went to a race yesterday and saw the Car of Tomorrow, and if you went to another race today, would you see the Car of the Day After Tomorrow?
Why weren’t throw back jerseys cool the first time around?
If Ohio State lost to Illinois and Illinois lost to Iowa and Iowa lost to Western Michigan and Western Michigan lost to North Dakota State and North Dakota State lost to South Dakota State and South Dakota State lost to Georgia Southern and Georgia Southern lost to Elon, then why isn’t Elon playing LSU for the National title?
If Les Miles bleeds Michigan blue, will he still be able to get a transfusion in Ann Arbor?
When is it fair to foul?
Why is stealing rewarded in sports?
How far down the line of succession in England is Count Chocula, and will Captain Crunch ever receive a promotion?
19 Comments
December 28, 2007 at 4:24 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
And it isn’t Tim Tebow.
Let’s start there. The 20-20 TD club? An interesting stat. Like knowing the ratio of pigeons to statues in New York City. But what does it tell you? Does it put Tebow up there with the best ever? While we’re at it, is the Heisman trophy even relevant? Here’s your four heroes, pick whichever one the hype machines paint the nicest golden shade. Don’t worry if you guess wrong, there are better players not on the dance card.
The bowl games are coming up. Ohio State and LSU. Where’s Georgia?
Where’s USC? Where’s the game that will settle it all. Not getting
one of those this year. And how about Les Miles? He seemed awful fond
of Michigan’s maize and blue, but somehow managed to develop an
affinity to LSU’s green along the way. What about a nice punch in the
mouth to any coach who uses the word "kids" in a sentence?
Sports is getting more and more like Christmas. There’s just so much of it. Inescapable, commercialized beyond reason, and everyone says you’re supposed to be excited. "Honey , does it blow your mind that the prophets would lie." Rodney Crowell got it right.
Another day another multi-million dollar football coach who may or may not ever win anything. A new $100 million stadium renovation plan at Rutgers, while they cut $114 million from the academic budget and eliminate six sports that real students take part in.
More athletes arrested, but that’s a given. Would be a headline story if a day went by and none were downtown getting the free profile photo pack.
So you turn on the news and there is Barry Bonds. The best hitter since Ted Williams walking into court surrounded by the best defense team money can buy, sporting a reputation money can’t fix.
Some 17 year old trigger man wants to make a deal after shooting down Sean Taylor in his home. Pathetic. Sad. Disgusting. Meanwhile, what to think? One day everybody talks about Taylor’s murder as a byproduct of his lifestyle. The next day all and sundry moralize about a rush to judgement. Then the NFL does what it does, and turns death into a United Way commercial version of life, complete with missing man formation. Everything and nothing was true. None of it really much matters.
Someone is throwing down a dunk on TV. Down by 20, but keeping track of the style points. A muscle bound layup. And we clap because we’re supposed to, and we watch because there is nothing else on, and then we hit the mall to buy $120 sneakers that cost $17 to produce. Could be worse, we could be scraping by in Southeast Asia making shoes. Or we could be the last American shoe maker, if one exits.
A little light reading is good this time of year. The Mitchell report will come out Thursday. Owners will try to act suprised and morally outraged when the players they managed not to see juicing are named in black and white. Maybe Bonds won’t look so bad when so many other big names don’t look so good.
Todd Bertuzzi is back skating after a concussion. Steve Moore, the guy who he attacked from behind and severely injured a few years back, is out of hockey. The lawyers have been playing tether ball with it for two years. Now there is testimony it all happened because Bertuzzi’s coach wrote on a locker room black board that Moore should "pay a price". Hope Moore got a receipt with "paid in full" marked on it.
And so we stagger on. Through the winter meetings, through bowls, through the Super Bowl. Maybe we’ll get what we want for Christmas. The Cowboys inflicting rough justice on the Patriots for various sins, real or imagined. Then again, the way this year is going it will probably be the Seahawks and Jaguars.
What we need is something new. Something or someone exciting. A new Joe Namath, a new Michael Jordan, a new Larry Bird, a new Bobby Orr, a new Willie Mays, a new Dale Earnhardt, a new Jack Nicklaus. A return to the Monsters of Midway, Notre Dame football, the Canadiens racing down the ice 3 on 2, a great baseball team not assembled, bought, and paid for by the highest bidder. A John Wooden, Jim Valvano, Tom Landry, Billy Martin, or Bo Schembechler.
This is the winter of our sporting discontent.
27 Comments
December 28, 2007 at 4:24 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
NFL coaching legends Jimmy Johnson, John Madden, Bill Cowher, and Dennis Green described how they would game plan for the New England Patriots in a USA Today article. (Alright, Green isn’t a legend, but then again the other three wouldn’t be either if they had coached the Vikings and Cardinals).
From all that coaching genius we got the following. Blitz. Then blitz. Then blitz some more. Run so Brady can’t get on the field. Make big plays on special teams.
Piffle.
I don’t know what piffle is, but it sounds clever when the roaming travel gnome in the commercials says it. And it’s always a good rule to pattern your public statements after inanimate objects of lawn art whenever possible.
Let me just say this about that. I know how to defeat the New England Patriots and it involves none of the coaches suggestions.
Start with Tom Brady. The way to stop Brady is to lure him off the field with a lingerie model. If that doesn’t work try an actress. And if that doesn’t work, a process server with a paternity suit will do.
Bill Belichick. Basically the same strategy as with Brady. Just adjust by telling Belichick that the husband of a lingerie model, actress, or general contractor is looking for him.
Randy Moss. Steal his helmet. Put an Oakland Raiders helmet in his locker. Suddenly he won’t be quite so dangerous. Suddenly he will look very stoppable. Passes will slip through his hands, routes won’t be a sharp, a step will be lost. Sampson had his hair, Moss has the Patriots helmet.
Inform the player’s families their sons have become part of dangerous cult. Stage an intervention to get Rodney Harrison out of this bizarre group. Look at this logo:
If this is a Patriot, then Paul Revere was on LSD. Obviously dark forces are at work here. The single star, the weird hair style, the pointy chin. At best, it’s an artist rendition of the guy who didn’t get the gig playing bass for Kiss.
Use technology (the Navy’s Sea Sparrow Missle) to offset the Patriots advantages:
No, we’re not going to shoot down Wes Welker. (The early tests failed when, like the Dallas secondary, we were unable to acquire the target in time to get a hit). Instead, we will employ the Sea Sparrow from a cruiser in Boston Harbor against:
The spy satellite the Patriots switched to when the NFL stopped them from using sideline cameras to steal other team’s signals.
We will also go after the Patriots ultimate weapon, replacing these zebras:
With these zebras:
Just remember. History is full of supposedly unstoppable forces that were taken down. Stalin, Hitler, The Backstreet Boys, and someday maybe even Dr. Phil. It can be done.
You just have to have a plan.
58 Comments
December 28, 2007 at 4:23 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
The Ford Frick Award isn’t exactly the Cy Young Award, Golden Glove, or Silver Slugger. It does get you in the Hall of Fame, though, and that’s something. Win the Frick Award (named after former Commissioner Ford Frick) and you’re in the sportscaster’s wing.
Which is right where Tony Kubek belongs.
Kubek played shortstop for the Yankees right before the big decline of the mid-sixties. He teamed with Bobby Richardson to give them the best double play combination in the majors and helped the Yankees win six pennants and three world championships in nine years. In 1957 he was Rookie of the Year and three times he made the All-Star team.
He should have been a star. A left handed hitter with decent power, Kubek should have enjoyed a long and productive career. But bad luck mixed with the good and back injuries ended his career at 29.
NBC was riding the crest of a TV wave in the sixties. They had the only baseball game in town on national TV, the Saturday "Game of the Week". They needed talent to support two games each weekend, a regular broadcast and a backup in case of rain. The need for two crews brought Kubek and Sandy Koufax (another player whose career ended early) back to the majors.
Twenty-four seasons later, Kubek was established as one of the best sports casters, having worked with Curt Gowdy, Jim Simpson, Joe Garagiola, and Bob Costas. He worked best with Gowdy.
Listening to Gowdy was like listening to a smoother version of Jimmy Stewart calling a game. He was a fly fisher away from the mike, and it came across on the air. What he needed in a partner was someone with a little fire and a passion for inside baseball. He got that and more in Kubek.
You appreciate Kubek the more you watch today’s broadcasters. He didn’t make up cutesy nicknames for players, neither pandered to athletes or went out of his way to criticize, and managed to put you "on the field" with comments that often foretold what was about to happen. If he hadn’t been so young when he started in the booth, or so firmly established there by age 40, there is little doubt he would have made an excellent manager.
But not with the Yankees.
Kubek spent five years of the "Bronx Zoo" period working Yankee games on cable. He managed to get on the wrong side of George Steinbrenner by saying the Yankees were "an expensive toy" for the volatile owner and playing was "tough enough without someone harassing you".
Controversy was not Kubek’s aim, but he didn’t shy away from it. He called out Commissioner Bowie Kuhn for not being in Atlanta when Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth’s record, and never backed away from calling the game as he saw it. His perspective as a former player was always part of his style, but didn’t keep him from pointing out mistakes. And he never hesitated to point out an umpire’s bad call.
The first "modern" ex-athlete broadcaster is not too lofty a title to bestow on Kubek. He treated the game as serious but not sacred, paving the way for a more reportorial style of broadcasting. In doing so, he elevated the concept of the ex-player in the booth light years ahead of where it had been until then. He no doubt played no small part in the development of Bob Costas as a broadcaster. To here Costas today is to appreciate what Kubek was behind the mike.
Will Kubek win the Frick? Joe Nuxhall, who recently passed away, has to be a sentimental favorite based on a 63 year association with the Reds. Joe Morgan is better known to current voters, Ken Coleman had a long and distinguished career, and early pioneer Graham MacNamee certainly has strong historical credentials.
But broadcasters should honor Kubek before all the rest. He set a new standard for ex-athletes in the booth, made every partner he worked with better, and was relentlessly honest in a business not known for honesty.
Fans don’t get a vote, but broadcasters do. They should vote early and often for Kubek.
20 Comments
December 28, 2007 at 4:23 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Eight and then a throw down to second.
Why is anyone at Michigan concerned that Les Miles wouldn’t come? Try this experiment. Hire a good offensive and defensive coordinator and someone to head up the recruiting. Then put a hat rack on the sideline wearing a Michigan cap and some official logo merchandise. Put a head set on it. I’m thinking you’ve got nine wins right there.
Was there a single TV analyst who thought the Jets would beat the Dolphins? It was just too easy to pick Miami, what with the law of averages on your side. The sad truth is Miami probably isn’t going to win a game this season, and most pro football insiders are guessing their point spreads off.
A lot of noise over the Jason Whitlock column in which he suggested that when the killers of Sean Taylor were found they would be African-American. Consider this. Seventy percent of the killers of caucasians are white. Eighty percent of the killers of African-Americans are black. So, it isn’t like Whitlock said anything illogical, but it’s also the case he didn’t say anything particularly profound.
Bowie Kuhn in the Hall of Fame? And Marvin Miller doesn’t make it? Try this test. If Kuhn was never commissioner what would be different today? Nothing. In Miller wasn’t head of the player’s union, what’s the difference? Everything. The Hall of Fame is well on the way to became a farce.
Jimmie Johnson won the Cup again this year. Won it last year. Might win it again next year. Could you pick him out of a lineup? Do you know anything about him? Do you know who finished third in the chase? Didn’t think so. Don’t believe the hype. NASCAR isn’t the number two sport in America. More like 3a, somewhere between the NBA and NHL.
Oh, so you believe the NBA is number 2? Does anyone here play roto basketball? Could the NBA sustain crowds of 30,000 plus a night for an 82 game schedule? Anyone here know anything about the history of the game before Bill Russell? Or, maybe I should say Michael Jordan? Is the quality of play improving every year?
NHL players want to do away with the instigator rule and return to the days when enforcers made the instigator think twice about taking out more highly skilled players. Fighting would increase, violent career threatening collisions away from the puck would drop away to nothing. I think the players are onto something.
O.J. Mayo watch. #26 in the nation in scoring (21.0). Good. One hundred sixteen shots and only twenty-one free throw attempts in seven games. Not so good. Still USC is 6-1, losing only to Mercer in an opener where Mayo took twenty-seven shots. Wait and see, wait and see.
And the ball sails into center field.
10 Comments
December 28, 2007 at 4:23 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
The best pitcher in baseball is going to be traded, and it won’t be to Pittsburgh. If you guessed New York, the Bronx area in particular, you’re probably getting warm to the point of combustion. Just in case you are faint of heart, laying a little side money on the RedSox isn’t a bad idea.
Money talks and right about now it is screaming the name Johan Santana. The Twins and their owner, Carl Polhad, don’t want to lay out $13 million next season. They are afraid Santana will walk away as a free agent in 2009. Also that they might miss out on the opportunity to not pay that $13 million. You see the Twins are operating on the highly successful Pittsburgh Pirates model. Get the saps to buy you a new ball park, rid the roster of veterans, and raise the cost of parking and hot dogs.
The Yankees have come calling for Santana, bearing a lovely fruit basket with a selection that includes Phil Hughes and Melky Cabrera. The Twins, like a lovestruck teenage girl who runs to the curb when the horn blows, can be had for dinner. At McDonald’s. From the drive thru.
Think hard before answering. You can have another season of a pitcher who has gone 93-44 with the Twins, struck out 235 in 219 innings, and has a four to one strikeout to walk ratio. On the other hand you have a rookie with a 4.46 ERA and a center fielder with less power than could be generated on a hamster wheel. What would you do?
What the Twins will do is take the Yankees offer, or a similar one from the RedSox. Not because Santana is going to leave in 09′, not to have a foundation to build on, not because it’s the best thing for the team. Simply because Carl Polhad, one of the 100 wealthiest men in America, could care less. This is the same Carl Polhad who enthusiastically embraced the idea a few years back of letting the team go out of business. The only reason there is still baseball in the Twin Cities is that Donald Fehr and the Player’s Union stood firm against contraction.
On some level it is futile to even think about. Fans will come to the new stadium and watch AAAA baseball. Bud Selig won’t stop a one-sided deal. And here on December 2, 2007 I can already tell you the RedSox and Yankees will be in the playoffs next season and the Orioles, Rays, and Blue Jays have already been financially and mathematically eliminated.
It’s perplexing. Owners can’t stop free agents from taking the Yankees money, but can’t they summon enough gumption to stop giving players away to New York? Steinbrenner & Son have already priced most of them out of ever competing for the pennant. Doesn’t that make them a little angry? Doesn’t that make them want never to do business with New York again?
Make deals with terrorists. Negotiate with the Mafia. Take money from a political action committee. Subscribe to the Dish Network to get the NFL Network. You can be forgiven for those.
But deal with the Yankees? Just so no. Somebody has to.
For the good of the game.
3 Comments
December 26, 2007 at 6:55 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Your workplace is not like their workplace.
People don’t chant "You S__k!" while you work. (Unless you’re a manager and then only after you leave the room).
Kobe Bryant doesn’t think he’s too good to work with you and ask your boss to find better people for him to work with.
You don’t come to work in the morning in Miami and find out you have to report to a new job in Toronto tonight.
They don’t ask you to keep working with a concussion.
Nothing that happens in the last five seconds of your work day has any bearing on your continued employment.
Nobody stops you on your way into or leaving from work to ask for an autograph (excluding process servers).
You’ve never been asked to stick a needle into another employee’s lower extremities in order to enhance their work place efficiency.
Reebok will not sue you if you forget and wear Nikes to work.
You can date a fellow employee.
You do not have to shower with your coworkers.
There is no job description requiring you to bend over and let another employee put his hands between your legs while randomly screaming numbers until he calls out the right one.
If a coworker is attacked by someone from another company with a large stick and beaten repeatedly, you can go back inside and call 9-1-1 as opposed to participating in the mayhem.
If you do well at your job nobody throws a small, hard spheroid at your head at speeds approaching ninety-five miles an hour.
Your day doesn’t start with forty people in your office placing their hands together in a circle, making animal noises, and shouting "teamwork" (OK, maybe at Martha Stewart Living, but that’s the exception).
After you screw up really bad at work, Bonnie Bernstein doesn’t approach you on your way into the bosses office to ask what went wrong out there.
You don’t have to listen to Phil Jackson’s zen schtick.
Jim Rome doesn’t laugh at your misfortune, pause for what seems like an hour, then repeat the same inane remark. Then start over for another fifteen minutes.
Nobody blogs about the quality of your work.
You’re overpaid and nobody knows it.
If you go to Vegas, throw money at strippers and cause a riot, it’s just an interesting story when you get back and not a reason to give you a year’s unpaid leave.
The federal government is probably not investigating you.
You don’t complete key job tasks while the rest of the office sits together watching you, yelling encouragement, and spitting on the floor.
When things aren’t going well at work you can’t see someone getting ready to come in and replace you.
If your staff does a good job they don’t sneak up behind you with a twenty gallon container of Gatorade and ice and dump it on you.
Nothing you do at work is strenuous enough to require you to use oxygen.
People aren’t constantly comparing your work to your brother’s.
If you have a groin injury it will not be announced in a press release.
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