Bread and Circuses
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Archive for January, 2008
January 31, 2008 at 5:48 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Who are pulling for in the Super Bowl?
Everybody asks that of their friends and most people have a ready answer. The Patriots have alot of newly minted fans (the same sort of people who suddenly discovered they were Duke fans when Coach K came to town). Giants fans have been there all along, but mostly quiet since , left town.
The rest of us?
Cowboys fans (and I’ve been one for years) have been too busy trying to find enough tabasco sauce to cover the taste of crow to worry about picking a Super Bowl favorite. There doesn’t seem to be the kind of bad feeling against the Giants we reserve for the Redskins and Eagles. As for the Patriots, I doubt most of us felt a rivalry with the Belicheckians since nobody in the league is really in New England’s league.
Do you have to pull for a team to enjoy watching the game?
A resounding yes. We all say we like football, but without a team to pull for the air goes out of the balloon. The game goes from grand passion to lab experiment. If you’re like me you always find a team to pull for, even if it’s Detroit versus Arizona. If we’re going to throw away three perfectly good hours of our lives, it needs to be for an event we are emotionally invested in.
New England or New York? Do I have to choose?
Which coach do I like better? Mussolini or Stalin, I mean Coughlin or Belichick? That is a true draw. One is an arrogant so and so, the other just down right mean. Call it even.
Quarterback. This should be easy. Eli Manning, all-American boy versus Tom Brady, the guy we all hated in high school for dating all the girls who were out of our league. But Manning had to go and grow that junior league porn star mustache. What is he hiding? I look at Eli Manning’s future and see poor Payton giving him a priceless pep talk in a Mexican jail. A draw.
The Randy Moss factor. This tips in favor of the team that doesn’t have Randy Moss on their roster. I’m sure it’s been said before, but why don’t the Giants just issue a sideline pass to the woman who has the restraining order against him and have her stand in the end zone? Of course, all that would do is ensure that Welker gets four TD catches. Edge-Giants.
Brandon Jacobs. I am so sick of seeing him throwing footballs in the end zone after he scores. What I want to see is the Patriots stop Jacobs at the one and throw him head first into the Giants logo on the end zone wall. Advantage New England.
Jeff Feagles. When he was young and Ben Franklin was shagging punts for him after school, Feagles never thought he’d be in the Super Bowl. Most likely he didn’t think he’d live to be 250 years old and play every year since the inception of the NFL. OK, I may have one or two of the details wrong, but Feagles is old. Really, really old. I can relate to that. Score one for the Giants.
Cheating. The Patriots are the KGB of football, and Belichick their Vladimir Putin. Look at the Patriots roster. People keep disappearing. People who crossed Belichick. I have to admire and respect that. Seriously, I have to admire and respect that. Now maybe that van with Massachusetts plates that’s been parked across the street the last three days will go away. Points go to the Patriots.
Helmets. The New York Giants logo is old school but very cool. The Patriots logo looks like the emblem of some sort of cult. (Ever wonder why Belichick wears that hood)? Advantage NYG.
Cities. They filmed parts of “Sex and the City” in New York. Tom Brady is doing the sequel in Boston. Score-Patriots.
Perfection. The Dolphins are the only team to run the table in the NFL. Undefeated and Super Bowl champions. And they did it with Earl Morral, whose crew cut was way cooler than the Tom Brady sheep dog look. If the Pats lose, the Dolphins win. Put a check by the Giants.
Heart Warming Human Interest Story. Rodney Harrison of the Patriots, who overcame a four game suspension for using performance enhancing drugs to make it to the big game. Think of it as a pharmacological version of “Rudy”. Edge-New England.
Let’s tally this up. Four for the Giants, four for New England, two draws. Right back where we started from.
Help me out here. Who do I pull for?
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January 30, 2008 at 4:44 am · Filed under Uncategorized
The World Cup is Europe’s Super Bowl. Naturally, I spent a good part of 2006 making fun of what the Euros call football. Why? Because it is my birth right as an American to ridicule other cultures. Admit it. Red state. Blue state. The one thing we all agree on is we all hate soccer.
We’ll never admit it. Political correctness forces us to lie and say we like a sport where you get hit in the head with the ball repeatedly. It’s like bran cereal, electric cars, and obscure Woody Allen movies that only fifteen old guys in New York City can relate to. The reason we don’t speak up is nobody has the nerve to tell soccer moms they are enslaving this nation’s children in service to a cruel sport which amounts to two hours of wind sprints punctuated by two or three glorious moments where something actually happens, usually by accident.
In the interest of fair time, and filling up blog space, I’d like to look at the other side of the argument. American football must seem insane to Europeans.
Start with the concept of the first down. We get wildly excited by a team moving the ball thirty feet. Stand at the back of your house and look at the front door. That’s ten yards. You get four chances to navigate your way through the den. Look, there’s a quick pass over by the end table for fifteen feet. A hole opens and a runner darts off tackle twelve feet to the coat rack. And then the big moment of excitement comes.
It’s third and one and the front door is almost in sight. The field shrinks as twenty-two men, some of them the size of small kitchen appliances, jam into a 30 foot by 160 foot box. That leaves about 20 square feet, approximately the size of your typical office cubicle, for each man to cover.
Tension mounts. Will the Giants be able to move the ball forward thirty-six inches?
Eli Manning approaches the line. Unlike soccer, where the action is continuous, American football constantly stops and starts so quarterbacks can approach the line of scrimmage and randomly scream out numbers. To Europeans this must appear to be some sort of madness. On the other hand, these are people who believe Jerry Lewis is a genius.
At this point, Manning does the unthinkable. He places his hands underneath a rather large, unpleasant looking gentleman who is kneeling over the ball. Now, in most parts of the world this would be considered bad form. For example, if you did this in a pub in Ireland you’d likely lose blood. But in football it is the start of each play. The ball is passed backward this way approximately 120 times a game, emerging up through, out of, well never mind.
Thirty-six inches away from his goal Manning turns away to give the ball to another player. A proper rugby player would just plough forward like a man. Even a soccer player would just go on and take one for the team. But in football the quarterback is a delicate flower who must be preserved at all costs. He spins and gives the ball away to a larger player who has made a running start.
The offensive and defensive linemen, most too large to move anywhere in the short time span involved, mill about pushing and shoving each other. Looking for some small amount of space, the runner sees an eighteen inch opening and falls toward it, wrapped in the embrace of several New England players in an act not dissimilar to a mugging.
Is the goal achieved? Will the Giants move onward? We don’t know.
A team of surveyors, who just happened by to watch the game, run onto the field carrying the tools of their trade. The chain is pulled out, a crowd gathers, some pointing one way and some the other. Men on the sidelines look on speaking into headphone mikes to other men somewhere else in the stadium. A hush falls over the crowd.
The verdict is rendered. The Giants have gained only twenty-nine feet, eleven inches in three downs. Several of the New England players begin to exult, pulling on their uniforms and pointing to themselves while skipping and yelling violently. The have accomplished the great task of having managed to stand in the place the runner fell down at.
Now, a decision must be made. Europeans, used to the German Army periodically gobbling up large portions of real estate in much shorter time than this, know the Giants must use their fourth try and continue possessing the ball.
The Giants, located 195 feet from the goal, send a completely new team of players on the field so that one of them can kick it away to the Patriots. The reason? The risk that New York might not execute a play which will enable them to gain one inch of ground, coupled with the fear of giving the ball over to New England 105 feet from the Giant goal.
But wait! What is this. The Giants coach, who in appearance is not unlike the character of Scrooge, has hurled a small red flag onto the field. He believes the officials did not properly recognize the spot where the Giant runner has fallen, and looks upward to a higher power.
The replay official.
This omnipotent judge, will spend the next four or five minutes watching video tape of a man falling down and make a guess as to where exactly the ball was located when the 6 guys mugged him.
“The ruling stands on the field”. Of course it does. Who would admit on national television their colleagues made a mistake.
So, the Giants send in their punter. In England a punter is a better, and betting by players is illegal in American football. But in this case it’s OK to be a punter and he kicks the ball 150 feet or so down the field to a New England player who waves his hand back and forth so the New York players won’t hit him (which of course they would under any other circusmstance).
Just under two minutes of game time has passed. On the other hand, you have at least two minutes to watch commercials for chips, dips, and Buicks.
Suddenly, soccer starts to make sense.
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January 28, 2008 at 10:35 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
"But every junkies like the setting sun."-Neil Young
OK, I confess. I’m an addict. A full bore, get the shakes if there is a player’s strike, roto baseball junkie. I tell myself I could give up fantasy baseball anytime I wanted. I lie.
The calendar says January 26. The little voice in my head says, "Get down to the book store quickly, there has got to be at least one fantasy baseball magazine out. Only nine weeks to opening day." So here I am tonight, owner of a freshly printed copy of "Ron Shandler’s Baseball Forecaster".
Life is good.
If you aren’t a roto baseball nut, none of what I am about to say will make any sense. Most of it will sound deranged.
I am part of the Carolina-Illinois baseball league, an eighteen year old roto baseball league. A group of allegedly sane individuals who come together every April on a conference call, divide up the National League’s players like happy pilgrims carving the first Thanksgiving turkey, and then spend the summer in various degrees of agony as all our best laid plans dissolve into pulled hamstrings and .230 batting averages.
For us February and March are spent in an almost religious ritual of purification. We must rid ourselves of the old bad stats, and breathe the fresh air of new numbers. We study the texts of our faith, trying to find wisdom and a pitcher whose ERA won’t plump up like a ball park frank come May.
The known world can be summed up in what has happened over the past three years. No useful knowledge can be derived from anything which occurred before 2005.
Over the years getting ready for April has become more complex. The CIL has become more competitive. Think the Democratic Party presidential primaries, with just a notch more intensity.
I find myself longing for the days of owners who compulsively drafted Mark Lemke in the 3rd round or believed against all reason that Rey Ordonez could help their team. Now you wait to draft Kevin Kouzmanoff in the late rounds, inwardly chuckling over the fact that you and you alone have heard of him, only to find a circling committee of vultures has arrived before you.
So, you begin to read web sites in December, worry over the scarcity of starting pitching in January, and begin a monastic lifestyle of study in February.
The worst of it usually comes in March. One eye on meaningless exhibition box scores, the other on the fifteen tab spreadsheet you’ve created over several sleepless nights. You now know the batting average of every hitter in baseball on balls in play (minus strikeouts and home runs) against left handed pitchers of Lithuanian descent.
Maybe it’s the lack of sleep, but you scuffle through the streets by day talking to your shoes about Mike Pelfrey’s WHP. At some point they answer back. By night you wake with night terrors from a dream that you just drafted Mike Pelfrey in the fourth round.
Come March you are a machine. A microprocessor full of useless information you will forget the minute your league’s draft begins. But you are a machine with 15 pages of crib notes. You are a machine who has studied more intensely in two months than you did in four years of college. With no social life and alienated friends and family.
You are Roto Man. Probably not what Ayn Rand had in mind when she wrote "The Fountainhead" but somehow not that far off from the Gary Cooper’s brooding Howard Roark in the movie version. Meanwhile your girlfriend rewinds the scene with the jackhammer at the quary and curses you under her breath.
I must go now. Shandler’s book awaits. It is a statistical opiate and I’ve got the shakes. It’s all here. FX, xBA, cr%,
BABIP, and of course the PQS Disaster Rate. I don’t know Shandler, but
I suspect he is mad as a hatter. The type in his book is in a font so
small that it would induce blindness in eagles.
But I will read it all. I must. For I have seen Jose Lima and the damage done.
And now I must prepare.
15 Comments
January 28, 2008 at 10:35 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
OK, not that one.
I try to stay away from politics in this blog. But sometimes the hounds of stupidity are let loose and the socio-political stuff strays over to the sports page.
Which is how Dana Jacobson of ESPN came into her fifteen minutes of fame. Drunk and disorderly at a roast for "Mike and Mike", the ESPN announcer used obscenity in a manner offensive to Christians and Notre Dame University.
Three days into the news cycle we’ve rounded up all the usual suspects. Bloggers, the media, various interest groups. And a consensus is forming that a one week suspension and stern talking to weren’t enough. A group called the Christian Defense Coalition has demanded her firing.
A few weeks back it was Kelly Tilghman of the Golf Channel on the hot seat with Al Sharpton calling for her to be dismissed after she joked that Tiger Woods should be "taken into an alley and lynched" if the rest of the PGA field wanted a chance at winning.
Both the CDC and Sharpton want to enforce a free speech version of the death penalty. Say the wrong thing and you lose your job. No questions asked. Motivation isn’t considered, seriousness isn’t an issue. As the Buffalo Springfield once sang, "Step out of line, the man come and take you away."
Which is where we should step back and take a deep breath.
If stupid statements are outlawed, who among us shouldn’t be unemployed? If our professional lives are judged on a few drunken moments, what then? If in one imperfect moment we can destroy what we’ve worked our lives to create, what is the value of a life’s labor?
I’m a Christian. Not the best example of one, but I profess faith in Jesus Christ. I’m saddened that anyone would make the comments Jacobson made in Atlantic City. I can’t help but wonder what the incident says about the challenges she is facing in her life. But I have no desire to see her lose her job.
I’m also curious as to why a Christian organization isn’t more understanding. More understanding of the seriousness of the injunction to "judge not, lest you be judged". And more concerned about someone who found themselves in a public setting drunk and out of control.
Power can be used for good or as a weapon. It seems that various groups and individuals want to use their own personal sense of offense or outrage as a weapon. To have the power to take away people’s jobs is the power to control their speech. To surpress thought. History has shown us leaders and groups that wanted that power, and they aren’t a very appealing lot. I’d rather this country stay on the other side of that dark street.
It’s worth noting that Jacobson didn’t direct her insults at Christians as individuals, didn’t call their faith foolish or say that it is the cause of wars or a constraint on human advancement, didn’t call for voices of faith to be taken out of public discussion. There are plenty of public figures who have done just that and faced little, if any, rebuke. And I don’t think comments made in a vodka induced haze necessarily represent a person’s true beliefs.
The problem faced by the various "thought police" after the Jacobson and Tilghman incidents is the implication it has for the "death penalty". The one week suspensions given in the recent incidents pale next to the dismissals and professional ruination faced by male announcers in not dissimilar situations. If compassion is shown Jacobson and Tilghman, it threatens the moral authority of self-appointed leaders to push their way into the spotlight and threaten future offenders.
Bottom line, these controversies are not about outrage, but power. It’s time to pull the plug and let the market place work. If Jacobson’s behavior reflects badly on her company, if viewers tune out, ESPN can rightly act in its own self-interest and terminate her. That’s their right and their decision. And, if we are offended by comment or commentators, we can and should exercise our right not to watch.
As for me, I hope for the best for Dana Jacobson. Sometimes life walks up and smacks you in the face to get your attention.
Maybe this is one of those times.
29 Comments
January 28, 2008 at 10:35 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Like Dale Earnhardt Jr. Don’t like him driving for Hendrick Motor Sports. Give Clint Bowyer or Martin Truex the same ride and they are instant contenders. Leaving Step Mommie Dearest was a no brainer, but going to Hendrick is a no winner. If Junior wins he was supposed to, if he loses the second guessing will be quick and nasty.
Is Canseco lying about Ordonez? Could be. Ordonez’ power numbers in the minors projected to what he’s done in the majors. Production is consistent, with no unexplainable spikes. You can make the argument Ordonez numbers go back to his status as the rare power hitter who has never struck out or walked 100 times in a season.
Chuck Knoblauch still hasn’t been located by the feds to testify before Congress. Let’s see. The Unabomber, Eric Rudolph, and Osama Bin Laden. I’d have to say time is on Knoblauch’s side.
Who is Jared Camp? The player Minnesota traded to the Florida Marlins in 1999 for Johan Santana. Never made it to the majors. One other bit of trivia about Santana (93-44 lifetime). He first signed with the Astros, who lost him in the Rule V draft to Florida. Go figure.
Someone has to say this other than me. What is with Eli Manning trying to grow a mustache? Payton, how about a priceless pep talk for your brother?
Top three Petty picks the NFL won’t want to hear at the Super Bowl halftime show. "The Criminal Kind". "Last Dance With Mary Jane". "Dogs On The Run".
O.J. Mayo took court side tickets to a NBA game from Carmelo Anthony. To the NCAA this is a problem. That Mayo is attending a college he has no intention of graduating from? Not an issue. That the NBA and the NCAA collude to prevent him from making a living at a profession he very soon will practice? Not to be discussed.
From a story about Urban Meyer and the girlfriend of a player he was recruiting. "I used to talk to him every day……He wanted me to come here and do gymnastics." Naturally, an investigation is under way because Meyer was recruiting outside his sport. Bigger question. How much of your dignity and self respect would you have to sell out to be a college coach?
The former Duke lacrosse coach is suing the school over slander allegations. Mike Pressler was hung out to dry by the school in the wake of rape allegations against his players. Who do you pull for? A college administration that couldn’t wait for legal proceedings to take their course, or a coach who (giving him the benefit of the doubt) was clueless about his player’s conduct off the field?
From today’s "Raleigh News and Observer" ‘Tyler Hansbrough (UNC) Rates His Top Three Dunks Of The Season". A six eleven guy dunks and we’re supposed to be impressed? Talk about your three best passes, three screens you fought through, three blocks on the paint. But three inch layups? Yawn.
Senator John McCain was quoted today as saying he respected Rush Limbaugh. No word on his opinion of Donovan McNabb.
And finally, the San Francisco Giants.
15 Comments
January 28, 2008 at 10:35 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
I love the internet. It’s a big attic with all kinds of great stuff in it. Open any box. There’s always something interesting. Most of it’s useless, it’s killing our productivity, and the kids have seen more porn by the time they are 14 than Hugh Hefner has produced in a lifetime. But you just have to look.
Which brings me to Google Trends:
http://www.google.com/trends
You type in a name and based on the number of clicks you see a chart of the last few years. You can believe it’s the first thing Paris Hilton looks at every morning, right after the mirror. There is also a listing of the top ten cities for clicks on a given name.
Which brings me to Sidney Crosby and why the NHL is doomed to second class sports citizenship.
The volume of clicks on Crosby’s name is respectable, but it’s the top ten cities that ought to worry the league. 1. Halifax, 2. Moncton, 3. Pittsburgh, 4. St. Johns, 5. Burlington, 6. Quebec, 7. Winnipeg, 8. Hamilton, 9. Kitchener, 10, London. Nine cities in Canada and Pittsburgh for the best and most marketable player in hockey.
Compare Crosby to LeBron James.
1. Cleveland, 2. Columbus, 3. Philadelphia, 4. Chicago, 5. Miami, 6. Washington, 7. New York, 8. Toronto (which Crosby didn’t get), 9. Atlanta, 10. Houston.
This is why the smart money is invested in the NBA. You get all the media centers. Anywhere an advertiser wants to go, LeBron James and the NBA is already there.
Tiger Woods? He’s big doings in Minneapolis, box office in Atlanta, Dallas, and Chicago, and even gets alot of attention from Birmingham, England.
Jimmy Rollins is probably the best player in baseball and completely unknown outside of Philadelphia and New York.
Tom Brady gets you all of Massachusetts and all the warm weather cities, (Miami, LA, SD). He’s gold in the major markets and even gets a fair number of Portugese clicks. What is a Portugese click? Not a clue? Or a click?
Brady’s Super Bowl opposite number, Eli Manning gets the biggest number of his clicks in Jackson, Mississippi followed by New York and Newark. You always associate Jackson and New York, right?
NASCAR can be proud of Jeff Gordon. He gets clicks from Charlotte but also from Atlanta, Dallas, Chicago, and Phoenix.
Serena Williams gets you Atlanta, Miami, and Washington but also Brussels and Melbourne. Roger Federer is even more international. He owns Zurich but Latin America even more. He clicks in big from Buenos Aires, Lima, and Santiago. But wait, there’s more! With Federer you also get Montreal, Sydney, Toronto, and New York City. You hear me right….New York City!
So if you’re bored, go to Google Trends and check out your favorite player or celebrity. Just don’t type in Dudski. Sadly, "does not have enough search volume to show graphs".
We’ll work on that and get back to you.
4 Comments
January 28, 2008 at 10:34 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Now that the conference playoffs are over, what have we learned?
Eli Manning can deliver in a close game. What we don’t know is whether he can deliver down by ten points early in the second quarter. We’ll know after the Super Bowl.
Tom Brady can win on an off day. He can also win without Randy Moss dominating. Finding a way to shut down Brady is like trying to game plan against the Chinese Army.
Brett Favre must read his own press clippings. What other reason can there be for forcing a throw to Donald Driver in overtime that Superman couldn’t have made? The Packers made it to the finals because of Favre, and are sitting at home because of him now.
Tony Romo is not a finished product, and he’s also not finished. The big story wasn’t Jessica Simpson’s effect on him. It was an out of sync fourth quarter against New York. Romo looked lost and frustrated. That smile sure wasn’t there on the last drive against the Giants. Forget the doom and gloom, this was a good learning experience and Romo is a quick study.
Phillip Rivers is everything his critics say. Loud and brash. He’s also a leader who played hurt against the Patriots and produced under pressure. This one bears watching.
Tiki Barber wrote bad checks with his mouth on Eli Manning’s account during the off season. Not enough people in the media called him on it. How good were the Giants without Tiki Barber? Good enough to go to the Super Bowl.
The Patriots are untouchable. Put out the fire, call in the dogs. There’s one more game on the record, but this season is over. (I can say that knowing nobody remembers the guy who wrote the Dewey beats Truman headline).
It’s a passer’s world and running backs are just living in it. The tipping point has come and you won’t see a three play drive with two runs in it very often after this season. And why is it the NFL hasn’t figured out that bigger, faster players require a wider field. The playing field is the same size it’s always been, but in reality it’s been shrinking every year for the last 30 years.
Cornerback, cornerback, and cornerback. The three answers to what teams need to draft in the NFL’s new world order. If you’re the Cowboys you might want to throw in a receiver who doesn’t remember when Hootie and the Blowfish were popular.
Are the Seahawks ever going to return to the Super Bowl? The defense could get them there. The offense? Hard to say. Matt Hasselbeck’s season was on par with his Super Bowl year. But his receivers are very average and Shaun Alexander had just 716 yards rushing. At least the Seahawks still hold the honor of being the only NFL team without at least one opponent in an adjacent state.
Payton Manning may not be going to the Super Bowl, but if I’m an advertiser and need one QB to make the big pitch it’s still the guy with the bad haircut. And can someone explain to me how Archie Manning could have two sons as slow as Payton and Eli? Archie could run when he was in his prime, but his sons are timed in the 40 with a sun dial instead of a stop watch.
A few questions. Can anyone even name a player for Jacksonville? Are the Steelers proof Bill Cowher knew when to walk away and when to run? Is one salary cap implosion all that separates the Redskins from being the Carolina Panthers of 2008? Vince Young-29 passes, 138 yards. Any questions? Is the NFC South so weak the league should let Tampa Bay go ahead and print playoff tickets for next year now?
Finally, this mental image. Bill Belichick holding the Lombardi Trophy. Lombardi would not be amused.
24 Comments
January 28, 2008 at 10:34 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
All I know about gambling is not to. Most people don’t even know that.
About $500 million will be spent on wagers on this year’s Super Bowl. Friendly wagers between friends, office pools, and much more sophisticated schemes. And it all comes down to the line.
New England by 13 (this morning).
After watching the Giants win in Green Bay, taking New England seems like a safe wager. The Giants offense is about as explosive as shredded wheat in milk, their kicker as accurate as the polls in New Hampshire, and the Tom Coughlin looks a bit too much like Luther from the TV show "Coach" for my taste.
But the Giants could win.
Their defense is solid, special teams are OK, and they played the Patriots close (35-38) before losing the last game of the season. And sometimes inspiration overtakes superior talent. Heart matters.
Why 13 points then? Because, for all the hype the last game of the season didn’t matter much to New England. Sure, they wanted to win, but they weren’t going to take too many risks in the process. Knowing they might play the Giants again, it is unlikely they showed New York everything they will unleash on them during the Super Bowl (especially on defense).
So, how do you know what the right bet is?
You don’t. Which is basically why gambling exists in the first place. The people who set the line are professionals who study the game like jewelers study lines in a diamond . They may lose on occasion, but over the long run the spread is right two out of three times. Enough for the "house" to consistently take your money but not enough to completely discourage you from betting.
A thirteen point line says something. Not that odds makers think New England will win by 13, but that they are expecting a New England rout of the Giants. A win by at least 13. Truth be told, I don’t expect to be watching after about five minutes into the second quarter. By then it should be over.
For the Giants to win, or even stay close, too many unlikely things have to happen. Eli Manning has to continue to be the quarterback he has been for four weeks, and not the one he was for the thirteen before that. The Giants banged up secondary will have to shut down all Tom Brady’s multiple pass options. And Lawrence Tynes will have to make clutch kicks under pressure.
Not going to happen.
My advice is to enjoy the game with friends. Pull for the Giants (as all right thinking opponents of evil will be doing). Hope that Tom Petty plays "American Girl" and not a bunch of schlock like "Running Down A Dream". Enjoy the commercials.
Just don’t bet on the game. And don’t lose sight of the fact that it would take just one offensive lineman willing to miss a few blocks at just the right times, or one cornerback willing to be a step slow to fix the whole ball of wax. Which, when you think about it, is the reason the NFL freaks out over the likes of PacMan Jones. It isn’t what players like Jones do off the field, but who they do it with that worries the league.
But at the end of the day the odds of a fix are very remote. Just like the odds of a Giant victory.
3 Comments
January 28, 2008 at 10:34 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
What’s happening in the world of sports?
Herschel Walker has multiple personalities. The startling revelation came in an announcement that he was donating one to New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin, a victim of a rare genetic disorder that caused him to be born without a discernible personality.
Late breaking news just in. Giants quarterback Eli Manning was rushed to a Green Bay, Wisconsin hospital today after his chocolate milk mustache froze during an afternoon practice session. Doctors chipped away the mustache, and also managed to revive a frozen monkey Manning was carrying on his back. The monkey, named Phillip Rivers Jr., is reportedly resting comfortably at Vince Lombardi Memorial Hospital.
The commissioner of baseball today voided a deal between the Baltimore Orioles and Houston Astros which would have sent three crack addicts, two steroid users, and an unassembled meth lab to the Astros for all-star first baseman Lance Berkman and the two remaining minor league pitching prospects in the Houston system.
Said Commissioner Bud Selig, "The Orioles trading Tejeda the day before the Mitchell Report was kind of funny, but this was just sad." Astros owner Drayton McLane was quoted as saying, "I had no idea. They seemed like nice young men, and I thought those parts were for a new cappuccino machine."
In a spontaneous outburst of emotion after their 82-80 upset win over North Carolina, Maryland players began singing "Maryland, My Maryland" the official state song. Eyebrows were raised when the team reached the climatic verse, which includes the line
"Huzza! she spurns the Northern scum!"
On a sad note, announcer Brent Musberger was admitted to a Chapel Hill hospital after the game. Musberger suffers from a rare form of Tourette’s syndrome in which the sufferer blurts out the word "deuce" as many as seventy-five times an hour for no apparent reason. His partner, Steve Lavin, was willing to comment to reporters but was totally unintelligible.
NASCAR continues to broaden it’s appeal with additional Jimmie Hendrix themed commercials for the upcoming season. The next will feature "Crosstown Traffic" (’Tire tracks all across your back, I can see you’ve had your fun’.) Plans to film David Ragan’s car flipping upside down and catching flames to the tune of "If 6 Was 9" are on hold due to insurance problems. But Jeff Gordon is said to be "intrigued" by a series of commercials titled, "And The Wind Cries Gordon".
Penn State University officials will meet this week to discuss the future of coach Joe Paterno. Among the options under consideration is a movie deal that would pair Paterno and Bobby Bowden of Florida State in a remake of "Grumpy Old Men".
Roger Clemens has produced witnesses who will testify he did not have an abscess on his buttocks during 1998.
Golf Channel announcer Kelly Tilghman today insisted that while she suggested Tiger Woods be "taken into a back alley and lynched", she could not be branded a racist since she also has advocated throwing Phil Mickelson into a shark tank and feeding Ernie Els into a wood chipper.
And finally, the Miami Heat.
3 Comments
January 28, 2008 at 10:34 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
The economy is going into a recession. Naturally, Congress turns it attention to baseball.
You can’t expect congressmen to behave rationally. Some of them, having gutted the regulations which protected American goods and industry for centuries, actually believe they can solve the problems they created. This is something akin to shooting yourself in the foot and being seized with the revelation that you might be a doctor.
Maybe they just want to meet baseball players. Some people collect baseball cards, some subpoena Mark McGwire. Others just wait for the light to come on the camera so they can ask Bud Selig, "Mr. Commissioner, what did you know and when did you know it?"
I feel most sorry for people like Miguel Tejeda. Sure, he probably lied to Congress. But if you paid attention to government officials of all political persuasions who have testified before the House and Senate, you may reasonably have supposed that perjury was a right. Or at least a civic obligation.
For his troubles, Tejeda is now being pursued by the FBI. They think he hindered Congress in finding out whether Rafael Palmeiro lied when he said that he never took steroids. I forget when or why this became important to Congress. Why they should want to destroy the Orioles when they could take a thirty minute drive up the road and watch them collapse at $23 a head like the rest of us escapes me. Well, it’s like Fitzgerald said, the rich are different than you and I.
Roger Clemens now wants to rush into the fray and testify. A burning man running into a fireworks factory seeking relief. It’s hard to make sense of it all. The exhumation of Cy Young’s body can’t be far in the future.
It could be the reason baseball is on the hot seat is that Bud Selig and Donald Fehr are such easy targets. In the big league world of sports investigations, Selig and Fehr are batting practice pitchers. The dumbest congressman can step up to the plate and go yard with either of them.
But why baseball? And why not college sports?
The NCAA is a tax-exempt foundation dedicated to the proposition that the inability to write complete sentences should not prohibit participation in minor league sports programs masquerading as extra-curricular activities.
You want to talk about drug problems? Let’s bring some SEC coaches up to the Hill to testify as to why they raised the number of drug tests you have to fail to be suspended from athletics to as high as four.
You want to talk about violating the purity of athletic competition? Let’s talk about payments to athletes, interference with admissions policies, teams steering athletes to certain majors, tutors completing work for players.
Parade some big time coaches and athletic directors before the bright lights and get them to testify about violent crimes committed by athletes against fellow students. Find out why donations to multi-million dollar coaching contracts are tax exempt. Get some physically ruined ex-college players to testify how they took part in a multi-million dollar industry and somehow didn’t get a share of the proceeds or even worker’s comp when they were injured.
Turn over the rocks.
Write your congressman. Tell them, "no guts, no glory". Take down the charging elephant that is the NCAA and we’ll tip our hat to you. Until then, leave the cowering lions of baseball alone.
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