Bread and Circuses
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Archive for March, 2008
March 31, 2008 at 5:25 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Not two fourth round draft picks. According to ESPN that’s the Titan’s asking price. Dallas wants Jones, but only at the cost of one fifth round draft choice. Neither offer is going to get accepted.
So, will the poster child for Commissioner Goodale’s tough love policy wear the star?
Count on it. The Jones deal is almost at the intersection of need and deed. The Cowboys want Jones and the Titans want him gone.
What’s the problem?
The Titans are evaluting offers for Jones based on his talent, and the Cowboys based on his reputation. Jones also has a sneaking suspicion he’s the one bidder on a horse that has to be sold.
He’s probably right.
If you assume the commissioner is going to reinstate Jones at some point, and from a legal standpoint he doesn’t have much choice, PacMan will be playing at a high level for somebody. But for how long? Tennessee wouldn’t be offering Jones up if they thought he could stay out of trouble. Their underlying assumption is he will play, but not for long.
You can make a good case for that based on Jones’ rap sheet. This has been the first year in memory he hasn’t stayed in trouble off the field. And you suspect the only reason is because he wants to get back on the field.
And then?
The Cowboys have the right idea. Jones for a fifth rounder is an investment you can write off if it goes bad. The upside is you acquire a potential all-pro talent at a position of need (cornerback), improve your return game, and free up Dallas’ two first round picks to spend on the offensive side of the ball. Three first round picks conjured up out of two.
If Dallas goes much higher for Jones you quickly get to the point of diminishing returns. Certainly a three is out of the question, a four right on the fence. Two fours out of the question. But a four and six? Probably.
Then comes the harder question. Is Jones worth it at any cost?
You can evaluate film, but you can’t evaluate the heart and mind as easily. Look at all the arrests, all the bad choices, all the rumors. Imagine you’re sitting across from the table with Jones and you’ve got his off field record, page after page of it. And he says, "It’s all true, but I’ve changed."
Do you believe him? And if you do, why?
Adam "PacMan" Jones isn’t all bad. He’s been involved in charities, even before his problems started. He can be personable, and is saying all the right things. But is it real? And is he willing to step away from bad associations and habits?
I don’t know, but the Titans think they do. And they have had a front row view.
Forget the idea of Jones as a distraction. Professional athletes don’t
judge newspaper clippings, they judge effort. If PacMan doesn’t
produce, if he doesn’t make the commitment his teammates expect, Dallas
will cut their losses. If Jones stay in Dallas becomes a sideshow it will be one that closes quickly.
Then there is the old family values question. How can America’s team bring in PacMan Jones? The truth is there isn’t a team in the NFL that doesn’t have players with problems, most of them the public knows nothing about. And you if think you’re corrupting the youth of America by letting Jones play for Dallas, you haven’t been paying attention to popular culture for the last decade or so.
Bottom line? If you’re the Cowboys and the Titans call, answer it.
But bid low and be prepared to walk away.
3 Comments
March 30, 2008 at 5:14 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Justin Boren is six foot one, three hundred and ten pounds. If you guessed he plays football you would be correct. Or, rather, played football. For Michigan.
Michigan has a new football coach, Rich Rodriquez, and a new "no huddle" offense. When one play ends, the linemen quickly get up and spring to the line of scrimmage for the next play. Boren was quoted ten days ago as saying this was "challenging".
A few days ago Boren came to another conclusion, this one about Rodriquez and his staff. The "family values" of Michigan football under Lloyd Carr were no longer present. The days of mutual respect and support were ended.
Michigan fans quickly made the connection between the first statement and the second, and concluded Boren was likely out of shape, got spoken to harshly by coaches, and thus had quit on his teammates and school. The words "better off without him" came up frequently, along with terms not suitable for the family hour.
Coach Rodriquez made the usual clucking noises about wanting to focus on the players who wanted to play for Michigan and said his family values were fine. After all, his mother-in-law had followed him to town.
What to think?
You long sometimes for the days of John Wayne movies where people believed what they said and said what they believed. They don’t make those movies anymore.
If Boren knows of some violation of NCAA rules, some practice which is beneath the dignity and traditions of Michigan, or just believes Rodriquez and his staff are harboring a desire to return to the days of Mussolini he could have provided details. Instead we get a statement that says nothing much at all.
On the other hand.
When it comes to loyalty and ethics, Rich Rodriquez should send someone else to carry the ball. The flirtation with Alabama, vowing undying loyalty to West Virginia, the year long puppet master games, and then the desertion of his players. Probably not the poster child for sticking it out when things don’t go your way.
And so a new era begins at Michigan. One that was avoided for a long time, but whose coming was inevitable.
Michigan is a storied program in college football. The home of national champions. The arch rival of Ohio State, the home of more recent national championships. You see a theme developing.
There is a line on the maps of college sports geography that, once crossed, changes both the journey and the travelers. That line is the possibility of winning it all. Once you go there you can’t turn back and your course is set. Until you reach port safely with trophy in hand everything must work in concert to move you forward.
Or heads must roll.
Now you don’t get to win an NCAA football championship without the right ingredients. Speed, size, depth, a "big time" coach who can recruit the key states, lower academic standards, tons of financial resources, and a healthy tolerance for players who may become a menace to public safety.
In other words, you have to run an SEC program even if you don’t play in the SEC.
The sad part is not so much that nobody will oppose the ways in which Michigan football will change under Rich Rodriquez. It’s that most people understand and very few care.
Justin Boren may have been acting on principle or he may have been making excuses. Maybe the worst thing he can be accused of is being naive. For thinking anything he said would be believed. Or worse, for thinking it would matter.
Bob Dylan once sang "You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows". Justin Boren needs to look outside.
It’s fixing to rain in Ann Arbor.
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March 29, 2008 at 6:51 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Every year I offer my humble assistance to Major League Baseball. A few simple suggestions to improve the game. But does Bud Selig listen?
Nooooooooooooooo.
Just because I don’t have a chance doesn’t mean I’m quitting. Like Hilary Clinton I will soldier on to the finish. Just like that time I jumped off the train in Baltimore. Under a hail of gunfire I fled Penn Station pursued by a howling mob, the women from "The View", and five dingoes (I know, I know, I’m being redundant). At great personal risk I made my way to Camden Yards. No welcoming committee, no foam finger. Well, someone gave me the foam finger, but that’s another story.
Where was I. Of yeah, improving baseball.
Let’s start by recognizing that teams not named the Yankees and RedSox will not be winning the AL East any time soon. Or ever. If you can’t raise the bridge, lower the river. Allow teams to realign into divisions they might actually win.
The Europeans already do this in soccer. They have different divisions and poor performers move down after bad years to lower leagues, with the best of the lower divisions moving up to take their place.
Can’t beat the Yankees? Just leave. We align all of baseball into four divisions. East, Central, West, and "AAAA". You make the top five in your division you stay. Finish in one of the bottom two places and your fans spend the next season marking their calendars for the next time Jason Bay is coming to town.
Most teams will be back in the "real majors" in a season. A few will be stuck in AAAA long enough for fans to lose interest and the teams go under. Not necessarily a bad thing.
Here’s how it would look.
EAST: Yankees, RedSox, Mets, Phillies, Blue Jays, Braves, Nationals
CENTRAL: Tigers, Indians, Cardinals, Astros, Cubs, Brewers, Twins
WEST: Angels, Dodgers, Mariners, Diamondback, Rockies, Padres, A’s
OTHER: PIrates, Royals, Marlins, Rays, Orioles, Giants, Reds, Rangers, WhiteSox
I would also change the rules on how teams acquire players. Big money teams acquire much of their roster through free agency and fleecing poor teams out of their soon to be free agents. Hey, baseball isn’t the Marxist NFL with it’s salary cap. If the big guys want to hand out paychecks the size of third world economies, let them. But let’s level the field a bit.
As things stand the big spenders not only have their pick of the best players coming onto the free agent market, but they discourage teams from drafting the best amateur players by offering off the chart contracts. Agents know they can threaten to hold out their prize prospects for another year, scaring away the poor teams in order for their clients to fall to one of the high rollers later in the first round.
Thirty days before the amateur draft there should be open season for teams with payrolls under $100 million. Let them sign any non-professional player they want, and then have the draft. The Player’s Association would probably not go for it, but do they really want to stand in the way of a form of unlimited free agency for their future members?
Luxury tax money should be distributed with a catch. The receiving team’s payroll must go up by at least the same amount. If it’s all going to defray expenses you have to question whether the team is viable in the first place.
Finally, everyone says it’s a shame that African-Americans don’t have an interest in baseball anymore. I say give them one. In fact, give a franchise to an African-American ownership group to operate as a third team in New York City.
In 1950 there was one New York City baseball team for every 2.5 million New Yorkers. Now, the ratio is one team for every 4.1 million. Simply put, New York has the population to support a third team. And with two nice new stadiums going up, why not rent the new team a field until it get’s going?
An African-American team in New York would be a way of saying that all of baseball’s talk about Jackie Robinson is backed up by actions. And it might even be a signal to young athletes that baseball is an option to be considered.
Well, that’s all my innovative ideas.
Except one.
I want the person who thought up the DH sent to Bosnia on a plane. Once on the ground he will be told to run, not walk, to his vehicle. Snipers will fire at him continually until he reaches an American military base from which he will fly out the next day.
Only to be flown back the following day and again for the rest of his natural life.
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March 27, 2008 at 6:31 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
All the good blog topics were already taken, so…..
There is a side of the street nobody else is working. The retro blog. Just go back 20 years, add text, and stir. Best served cold. Real cold.
Let’s see.
Knicks lost (sounds familiar). Bird got 31 and the Celtics won 118-106. At least there was some scoring. This year it’s Celts 3 Knicks 0, the high (low) light being a 104-59 mugging in Boston.
Bill Robinson wanted to be a manager. The highly respected ex-Yankee player and Mets coach was quoted as saying. ”The only thing I ask is that instead of people having their eyes
closed, their eyes be open a little bit,” he said. ”I’m qualified. I
can manage.” Robinson, an African-American at a time when doors were still mostly closed to black managers, never got that chance. He passed away last year, but not before picking up two world championship rings serving as hitting coach for the Mets and Marlins.
All was quiet with the Yankees in spring training. Billy Martin was making another comeback (which turned out to be his last). ”The way you play in spring training can carry over,” Martin said. ”Winning or losing isn’t important, but the way you play
is. And we’re playing good baseball.” Steinbrenner is keeping quiet this year, hanging out with Donald Trump. Of course, he fired in mid-season and replaced him with Lou Pinella. After all, Steinbrenner did have $15 million in salary sunk into what was to be a 5th place team.
The number one team in the country got knocked out of the final four. By those upstarts from Duke. Temple lost a chance to give coaching legend John Chaney a capstone for his career, losing 53-63. Duke was a decided underdog, led by young coach and aspiring stand up comic (you read that right) Mike Krzyzewski. Referring to Duke’s 6-5" center (you read that right, too) Robert Brickey suffering through repeated blocks by Temple center Tim Perry, Krzyzewski said, "Robert was playing catch with Perry. He would toss it and Perry would catch it and throw it back.”
Rollie Massimino put Villanova into the four corners to start their game against Oklahoma. It didn’t work. Oklahoma 78 Villanova 59. Billy Tubbs’ offense came in averaging 104 points a game. Twenty years later college players are bigger, faster, quicker and often can’t stand on the beach and hit the ocean.
Tennessee won the women’s East regional 84-76 against Virginia. Coach Pat Summit of the Vols said she was worried about maintaining the intensity. I can report that hasn’t been a problem for Summit since.
Down four the Rangers tied the Red Wings with three goals in the final period, including one with a minute to play. Coach Michel Bergeron said, ”We worked hard, took one goal at a time
and came back.” Not sure what happened to Bergeron after that, but I suspect the Rangers made him V.P. in charge of cliches.
Calvin Peete was three back of Payne Stewart at the Player’s Championship. The tournament was up for grabs, what with Tiger Woods only being 13 and all. Stewart, one of the most charismatic players of all-time, won the PGA championship the next year and died in a plane crash in October of 1999.
What else? Hershel Walker dancing with the Fort Worth ballet. (Yikes!) Gene Mauch retired as manager of the California Angels. He was manager of the 1964 Phillies, now known mainly because of the thousand or so references made to them during the 2007 Mets folderoo.
And finally, a New York Times reader wrote:
"Being a loyal Met fan, I am sick of hearing about who said what about
whom, and who apologized to whom first. I’d be delighted by some
pertinent spring training information, maybe even a statistic or two,
if it wouldn’t be too much trouble."
Some things never change.
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March 26, 2008 at 5:19 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Do we laugh or cry?
The controversy of the week is this cover of "Vogue" magazine with LeBron James and Giesele Bundchen.
Says who? And why?
Well, on the FOX website magazine analyst Samir Husni believes the photo was deliberately provocative, adding that it
"screams King Kong."
"So
when you have a cover that reminds people of King Kong and brings those
stereotypes to the front, black man wanting white woman, it’s not
innocent," he said.
Hold on a minute. I have questions.
Who is Samir Husni and what is a magazine analyst? And a followup. How do you get a job as a magazine analyst? I’ve got some insights on "Field and Stream" I’m willing to share if the price is right.
Next question.
How old do is Samir Husni? I’m old enough to have lived near a Navy airship base as a child. King Kong was before my time. It’s one of those movies everyone’s heard of and nobody has ever watched all the way through.
(Since we’re throwing around ancient cultural references it is kind of like "Mind Gardens" by David Crosby-and I sincerely apologize for bringing back the waves of naseau that reference brought to the three people reading this who remember the greatest musical atrocity of all time).
Seriously, "….stereotypes…black man wanting white woman." Let me get this straight. You’ve got an ape taller than the Empire State Building swatting away airplanes, taking artillery rounds without any effect, and crushing cars with his feet, and what people were thinking was, "Hey, he’s got a white chick in his palm."
And why does Husni assume a giant ape represents a black man? Where is that coming from? I don’t have a problem with LeBron James and Giesele Blundchen. Equating King Kong with African-American males? That I have a problem with.
So let’s just get to it. What if LeBron James and Giesele Blundchen were on the cover of "Vogue" in a passionate embrace. So what? Are we really supposed to believe anyone cares? Call me back when you get a cover with Roger Clemens sticking a syringe into Blundchen while Jose Canseco hands a vial of HGH to LeBron under a headline reading "We want to pump YOU up".
Then I’ll think about being outraged.
Controversial is the wrong word. Stupid? Much closer.
Here’s my problem with the cover. LeBron James has won what? That would be, as I recall, nothing. He’s dictated the rebuilding of his team into something much less effective to satisfy his ego. The playoffs are coming. And he’s on the cover of "Vogue". What’s the deal, was "Cosmo Girl" not willing to bump Amanda Bynes (hey, before you start up, I googled it-thank you very much).
Focus, LeBron. Focus.
In the mean time let’s all take a collective deep breath and realize we have bigger things to worry about. And if you hear that a giant is destroying New York, relax.
It’s just Isiah Thomas.
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March 19, 2008 at 5:03 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Is writer’s block and writer’s apathy the same thing? NO, I haven’t filled out my brackets (or my taxes, yet) and the conspiracy to keep Barry Bonds out of baseball isn’t exactly a news flash.
So I find myself reading the soccer section on FOX. Usually good for an “in case of emergency break glass” type story. Murdered coach, contract jumping star, icon playing for an ungrateful American audience, your odd riot. That sort of thing.
Slim pickings. I read all the headlines and I have no clue what season it is. It looks like the professional regular season, but there’s all this about the missing spark of leadership on the British team, and there’s some under card international tournament somewhere. And a few odd comments about the sorry state of talent levels in US soccer, which is like pointing out that we have very few good yodelers.
But FOX did have something else for the lazy reader (me). Pictures of soccer wives. Evidently they are a uniquely European phenomenon and rather eye-catching.
This fellow appears to have won some kind of trophy (the cup, the gold cup).
This woman is the girlfriend of a German soccer player. Nice photo, but much more interesting is the reaction of the woman in the upper right portion of the photo. Can’t make out what she’s saying. Sounds like….
This is just sad. The woman on the left is Cheryl Tweedy, a singer of some sort and girlfriend of Ashley Cole (who I’m pretending to have heard of for the sake of this blog). She evidently is some sort of Brittany Spears impersonator. The woman to her left is either a malnourished waif or “that Beckham woman”.
And this would be Ms. Tweedy and Mr. Cole. (I have no idea, so don’t ask).
A German player and his girlfriend watching Argentina play Germany. She thinking “What am I doing with this schmuck.” and he’s thinking “As soon as she goes for a bratwurst I’m making a run for it.”
Wayne Rooney is a very big star in England. This is his girlfriend Coleen McLoughlin. Who couldn’t fall in love with a smile like her’s?
Goalie’s girlfriend. Enough said.
The wife of Steffen Effenberg. Or Effen Steffenburg. I forget. Anyway, it doesn’t say, but I assume she’s some relation to Crocodile Dundee.
I assume this is some sort of soccer wives book club meeting. “Like, she’s all ‘Strum and Drang’ this and ‘You just must read ‘The Sorrows of Young Wether’ and I’m like, “Why bother? Just go straight to Hegel and Schelling. Who has the time these days?”
And she can do that thing with her wrist!
Bad day at Baden-Baden.
Think I’ll go see if I still have that Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers CD with “American Girl”.
Why? Just because.
3 Comments
March 17, 2008 at 5:25 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
We interrupt this blog for a brief commercial message…
My ego is more inflated than your ego.
Oscar Roberston would sit you down so fast.
My speed is better than your speed….and I can get more.
My speed is timed with a sundial
My power is in my athletic ability, (and a 620 SAT score).
My power stops somewhere in short left field
The trouble with team sports is they detract from my inate cool.
My agility is has been compared to cattle on roller skates
I have a list of demands
So do I, but I’ve lost my glasses and I can’t find them.
It’s not travelling if they don’t call it.
My reaction is, well it’s, it’s, wait a minute….
My quick is quicker than your quick.
Bet you can’t say that three times fast.
My better is better.
What does that even mean?
Can I borrow $120 for some sneakers?
Yeah, that’ll work.
Thank you very much for coming
~
Just spend it.
2 Comments
March 15, 2008 at 5:21 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
“There were years Jeter would get hit every day, it seemed, for no
reason — and certainly A-Rod would be in that same position — and
nothing was ever done about it,”-Hank Steinbrenner
We’re getting to know Hank Steinbrenner and hopefully someday we’ll dislike him the way we disliked his dad. Which is to say, oddly enough, that we’ll enjoy and even come to like him as a character in the great play that is baseball.
In the last few years something has been missing in the Bronx. Listening to Hank talk I realize what it was. "The Godfather" attitude. From "the boys (re consigliaris) in Tampa", to "Torpedo Joe" Girardi, to clueless Shelley Duncan ("You want I should spike him, boss?") the arrogance is returning.
Which brings us to Joe Girardi, but more pointedly to Joe Torre. Steinbrenner’s quote about Yankee batters getting hit without retaliation is the clearest single expression of why a four time world championship manager no longer has a place in the Yankee bullpen.
Forget about any public discussion of wanting to bring Torre back. Steinbrenner wanted him gone. "Big time".
So what about the chin music. Casey Stengel, another long running Yankee manager, used to say "You can look it up." So I did.
Over the last four years, when the Yankees failed to get to the World Series, they had 40 more hit batsmen than Yankee pitchers hit. Outside of Randy Johnson and Javier Vazquez, no Yankee pitchers hit as many as 10 batters in a season. And yes, Derek Jeter usually got hit about a dozen times a season.
Does this mean Torre took the cannoli and left the gun?
Some things you must consider. Alex Rodriquez and Derek Jeter are new school hitters. Strap on the body armor and lean over the plate. Between them, they will get hit 40 times a season. In the bygone days of Billy Martin that Hank Steinbrenner often references as the rationale for Joe Girardi taking over the family operation, they would have been hit even more.
If you’re playing CSI HBP you’ll also have a hard time proving motive with Randy Johnson. This is a guy who once killed a bird with a pitch. Was Johnson backing up Yankee hitters or just throwing very hard with movement?
Flip side of this arguement is the Messina-Pettitte corollary. In 17 years Mussina has hit only 52 batters, Pettitte 37. If the HBP deficit makes Torre a milquetoast then what about Mussina and Pettitte? When they took the mound after seeing Yankee hitters knocked down why didn’t they do something about it? And will they now under Girardi?
When Torre won three world championships and five pennants in six seasons, Yankee batters got hit 52 more times than their opponents. Roger Clemens was good for double digit retribution and David Cone before him. But their were many unpaid debts during the glory days.
I don’t think Joe Torre is a milquetoast. Then again, he was never exactly Mr. Excitement. Torre had the horses to phone in a division championship and he managed that way. When the RedSox arrived on the scene the AL East changed. Torre didn’t and now he’s a Dodger.
So what does it all mean? Will there be war in the Bronx?
The easy thing to do is be rational and think this is all just talk. But the "New" York Yankees under Hank Steinbrenner and Joe Girardi have a chip on their shoulder. When Derek Jeter or ARod goes down, someone will pay. And when the RedSox come to town they may pay twice.
Like the movie title says "There will be blood".
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March 14, 2008 at 6:32 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Bob Gibson of the Cardinals pitching to Billy Crystal. Now that would have been entertaining.
Paul Maholm versus Crystal. Six polite pitches and a strikeout. Not so much.
I suspect Bob Gibson would have put Crystal in the dirt on his first pitch and then showed heat three times on the corner. At least during the exhibition season.
In a regular season game he might have just drilled him. I like to think so anyway.
Does this make me a terrible human being?
Baseball is serious business. A man could be killed in such employment. One was. Ray Chapman of the Cleveland Indians on August 16, 1920 was struck and killed by a pitch from Carl Mays of the New York Yankees.
Chapman was a 29 year old with the reflexes of his age. Billy Crystal is a sixty year old man known for his shtick work and not his stick work (actually this whole blog entry was written just so I could say that).
Let’s say Maholm landed wrong, missed his release point and got up and in on Crystal. Could the comic have gotten out of the way in time against even a mid-80’s fastball? It would be "When Harry Met Rawlings" with no Meg Ryan and no happy ending.
Which begs the question, where on earth did Meg Ryan get off to?
There are two schools of thought about Meg Ryan. The one I adhere to says she used to be the epitome of the girl next door type. Pretty, but not devastatingly so. Beauty with training wheels. Approachable, or at least giving the illusion of approachability.
Then again a friend of mine held to what we refer to as the Realist School. Took one look and pronounced with authority (being possessed of certainty on all subjects) "Meg Ryan is high maintenance." He’s probably right. In the game of celebrity Meg Ryan is a free agent pitcher you paid $42 million over four who stays on the disabled list. But looks great the whole time.
Actually, now that I think about it, Meg Ryan’s disappearance has a logical explanation. She worked with Tom Hanks. Twice. Everybody knows working with Hanks is the kiss of death for an actor. Name me one actor he’s worked with who ever had any sort of career after that.
I’m waiting.
What were we talking about?
Ah, baseball. You see, this is the problem. In March you try to write about baseball and halfway through your thoughts turn to Meg Ryan and you’re back in the dugout after dangling a few too many high hanging participles. Mid-season baseball blogging form is far away.
March is baseball’s silly season. When the Yankees and Rays get in shoving matches over minor league catchers being taken out at the plate.
And Billy Crystal, who should have been thrown at on general principle, leads off at DH.
And Meg Ryan, who should have been there to watch and lend moral support, wasn’t.
And bloggers can’t find the plate.
With April closing in.
1 Comment
March 12, 2008 at 2:14 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Hey, you got product, you gotta advertise–
Baltimore Orioles The aquarium is just down the street, why do you ask?
Boston RedSox Fenway or the Highway
New York Yankees Burnin’ Down the House (That Ruth Built)
Tampa Bay Rays Fish Free Since 2007
Toronto Blue Jays We don’t need no stinking playoffs
Chicago WhiteSox We’ve lost that Guillen feelin’
Cleveland Indians Ignore the hat, we’re not racists. Really.
Detroit Tigers From Ty Cobb to Gary Sheffield
Kansas City Royals No pressure baseball.
Minnesota Twins Thanks for the new stadium, now beat it.
Los Angeles Angels Say, you’re not using that outfielder are you?
Oakland Athletics Keep your eye on our OBP and listen closely to the sound of my voice.
Seattle Mariners Japan’s team….and yours.
Texas Rangers Can Nolan come out and play?
Atlanta Braves New and improved with 50% fewer Jones’.
Florida Marlins Go, fish!
New York Mets I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.
Philadelphia Phillies You wanna piece of us?
Washington Nationals The place to be in DC (and $5,483 less than Spitzer paid)
Chicago Cubs Teddy Roosevelt, why do you ask?
Cincinnati Reds The big dead machine.
Houston Astros Our wives are now HGH free!
Milwaukee Brewers Is it our turn yet?
Pittsburgh Pirates Baseball’s road kill.
St. Louis Cardinals Our manager’s a lawyer. So sue us.
Arizona Diamondbacks It’s a dry heat.
Colorado Rockies We’re far above see level.
Los Angeles Dodgers First we get Torre, then Seinfeld.
San Diego Padres Where home runs go to die.
San Francisco Giants McCovey Cove to Bonds Bay to Molina’s Marina
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