Bread and Circuses
The Best of Fox Sports
Archive for May, 2008
May 28, 2008 at 2:37 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Starting with…
Jay Bruce, the Reds phenom made his big league debut. Went 3-3, scored two runs, drove in two, stole a base. I say he should quit now. True, no Hall of Fame, no huge contracts, but he could tell his grand kids, "Nobody ever got me out."
What’s the opposite of perfection? Oh, that would be "umpire". Watched the Nationals and Brewers the other day (lay off, somebody had to) and Don Sutton made the comment the umpire’s strike zone was low and it would benefit the two starting pitchers. Assuming he was right, and watching the game it sure looked that way, who gave individual umpires the right to adjust the rule book strike zone? Want to know why games last three hours? Because umpires call the game their way and assume the players should adjust.
It could be worse. You could have a whole league structure trying to hand one team the championship. Start with the mysterious trade of Pau Gasol from Memphis to the Lakers. The Grizzlies didn’t even try to get another offer and ended up with Kwame Brown and some draft choices who won’t be around when the team goes broke, which is a distinct possibility. David Stern must believe he’s commission of the ABA. At least that league had decent officiating, which after the Lakers (who else) were gifted Game 4 against San Antonio on a last second no call is more than you can say for the NBA.
Speaking of the Grizzlies, notice how many NBA teams are on life support? Eight teams drew less than 15,000 a game this season. The league wants to kill of Seattle. The Bobcats are slipping beneath the waves. Indiana is about ruined for the pro game by the player’s antics. New Orleans should go out of business, but the league will keep the Hornets afloat rather than suffer the bad press from abandoning the Big Easy post-Katrina.
Don’t you wish there was a Charles Barkley out there who could walk up to the real Charles Barkley and ask him what he could possibly be thinking? It’s time to get Sir Charles out from behind the mike and give him a distraction so he won’t feel the need to gamble. In all seriousness, the answer is coaching. Too bad nobody has asked the question yet.
Heard a rumor there is still hockey being played. It’s almost June. Has to be a hoax.
Here’s a first. Tony Stewart compared to Alfonso Soriano. Why? They both had it and dropped it in the same week. I don’t buy Bob Brenly’s knock on Soriano. He’s not that bad an outfielder and what happened to him against the Pirates has happened to the best outfielders in the game at one time or another. Besides, if not left field then where? As for the Stewart, the glass half full crowd will tell you it’s a good sign he was in it with a chance to win at the end. And they’re right.
And finally, pro soccer in North America.
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May 26, 2008 at 5:54 am · Filed under Uncategorized
A better blogger would have answers. All I have is questions.
For instance, why are sports segregated? Is that a bad thing? Something that requires a remedy? Just one of those things?
Start with soccer and work up the sports food chain. Soccer in this country is day care for white kids. Let them go out and run around for a couple of hours until the ritalin kicks in. The rest of the world, everybody plays "the beautiful game". Here it’s different. Why is that?
A part of me wants to give African-Americans credit for not taking an interest in soccer. What the world calls "football" reminds me of the punishment drills we used to run in school where you had to sprint to the top of the circle then back, then to mid-court then back, and on until your will to live was gone. Just with a goal at one end.
It could also be a question of space and where people live. Land is not plentiful for recreation in the inner cities. A basketball court fits just about anywhere, a soccer field requires real estate. But if space is the issue why is tennis not a bigger thing? After the Williams sisters, diversity among the big names in tennis is almost non-existent.
NASCAR is great at marketing and has opened up to places and demographics once untouched by the sport. Why no black drivers? Maybe because you have to start young at lower levels of the sport and it is a sport that requires an investment in not just time but financial resources. Can NASCAR bypass that part of the process and come up with an African-American driver on a major team? And would that draw any interest? Don’t know, but we may find out eventually.
The NHL? Forgetaboutit. Or maybe not. Canada is becoming more diverse and basketball doesn’t provide much competition. Here in America it’s a matter, black or white, of having access to the relatively few available youth hockey programs. But hockey, played well, is a sport that combines many of the elements of football. Speed, skill, hitting. If football can be popular outside of white America, maybe within 30 years hockey could catch on. But not if you have to pay $60 for a decent seat.
Ah baseball. So much potential, so much decline, so much effort to change. I’ll make what may seem to be an outlandish argument. This is our most integrated sport (and no, it isn’t football despite what you may think). If you factor the wide range of foreign born players in, and the lack of stereotypes as to position (see the NFL) it is a remarkably diverse sport.
Here the drop in participation among African-Americans is part voluntary. It was there at one time and has faded. Basketball and football are the destinations of choice for black athletes. The shame is the odds are stacked against ever making a dime in either one. A good athlete has a much better chance of making money, big money, in baseball.
Culture kicks in. The youth culture embraces basketball. It is no accident rap and basketball intersect so often. Baseball is viewed as a "white" game even if no barriers were to exist to keep other groups out. The game itself is slower, equipment expensive, space to play limited. But there is nothing there which can’t be overcome and to baseball’s credit it is trying.
I have to bring up Barry Bonds. In retrospect, Bonds should have been baseball’s Michael Jordan. If Michael Jordan had been surly, arrogant, self-absorbed, and chemically enhanced. To some degree baseball missed the boat in not promoting Bonds the way basketball did Jordan. But Bonds wanted to be the Godfather. RIch, respected, attended to. He wasn’t interested in promoting the game. And so an opportunity was lost.
Now basketball. And the stickiest questions. Let’s take as an assumption baseball is not diverse enough. That it has programs to reach out to inner cities. Should do more, and is criticized for not doing more.
Then about about round ball? At its highest level, the NBA, it is a reverse image of hockey in terms of diversity. Sure, there a few European white players, even a smattering of bench warmers from the states. But African-Americans own basketball.
If diversity is supposed to matter in other sports, if leagues are supposed to be working on fixing the problem, what is the NBA doing about its situation? Well, nothing, if you’re watching the NBA finals. But is that such a bad thing?
Nobody is barring whites from courts. Nobody is keeping them from practicing hard and learning the skills they would need to advance. Whites do, in fact, participate in large numbers at lower levels of the game. So why even ask the question?
Well, there is this. The answer to the question of why America’s most popular participant sport isn’t beating out the NFL for #1 is simple. The TV demographics say that white America is losing interest in pro basketball. The ratings are way down from even ten years ago, and the demographics have shifted.
Walking out on a limb, some of this is cultural. Whites still watch college ball in record numbers. Is it because there are more white players? Or is it because the NBA is so strongly identified with African-American culture there is some sort of subtle "no whites" sign on the door nobody put there, nobody talks about, but everyone sees?
Another heretical question. Did white America watch Jordan and Magic in numbers which dwarf those of today’s NBA ratings because they accepted them as "white" culturally? Is there a difference, even now, in how Kobe Bryant and Carmelo Anthony play in the suburbs?
Have we crossed the Rubicon in basketball? And will the divide get bigger in the future? And, bizarre as this sounds, should the NBA be attempting with white kids what baseball is doing in the inner cities? I’m not at all advocating it, but there is a certain logic.
Finally, the big guy on the block. Football. Ah, you say, the exception to the rule. Maybe yes, maybe no. Quick quiz. Imagine a player at each position and tell me are they black or white. Offensive line, defensive line, linebacker, secondary, tight end, wide receiver, running back, quarterback, kicker?
I bet I know your answers. I bet also in twenty years quarterbacks, tight ends, and offensive linemen will be all have different answers. Not because of any genetic differences, simply because historically immigrant groups and the poor in general have embraced athletics as a way up and out. (That and another 30 years of white soccer moms forcing kids to play non-contact sports).
Last question. Does any of this matter? Should we ask the questions or just embrace the differences? Will individual sports become more segregated in the future, or will we look back in 50 years and laugh at it all (which I surely hope will be the case)?
Your answer is as good as mine. Probably better.
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May 23, 2008 at 7:40 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
There are so many reasons David Stern needs to resign as NBA commissioner you hardly know where to begin.
The ridiculous anti-bling campaign against his league’s players.
Stern’s own thuggish behavior in trying to extort the taxpayers of Seattle to give the Sonics a new arena. Then fronting for the OK City ownership group’s transparent attempts to run the franchise into the ground in order to get to Oklahoma as soon as possible.
The league’s collusion with the NCAA and the NBA Player’s Association to keep star high school players from going directly to the pros by imposing an age limit (19) that has no rational justification.
Awarding BET founder Robert Johnson the Charlotte Bobcats franchise over a group headed by Larry Bird which might have at least attempted to put a competitive product on the court.
Declining standards of play throughout his tenure while the cost to attend NBA games has gone through the roof.
Stern’s determined stonewalling in the face of referee Tim Donaghy’s assertions that more referees than just himself were involved in gambling, and that referees tilt games based on how well they get along with certain players and coaches. Keep in mind this was only a season after the league finally had to suspend ref Joey Crawford for his baiting of Tim Duncan and ten years after Stern allowed eight officials accused of income tax evasion to continue calling games.
The league’s relative silence on hearing Charles Barkley owed a Las Vegas casino $400,000 in unpaid gambling debts.
Stern’s own decision to allow Vegas to stage the NBA all-star game, and to at least entertain the idea of putting an NBA team in gambling’s capital city.
Add this. Stern has been a poor steward of the integrity of the game and, in fact, has permitted a trade that not only had no justification but also hand delivered a star player to a team favored by the league because of its impact on TV ratings.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittendon, and two first round draft choices from Memp[his to LA for Pau Gasol. A trade made, admittedly by the Memphis GM, after accepting offers from no other team in the league.
A trade which took the most marketable asset and best player from a team struggling to fill seats and landed him in LA to provide Kobe Bryant the sidekick needed to get out of the early rounds of the playoffs.
A trade of which Jeannie Buss, daughter of the Lakers owner and a member of the team front office said “What I’m most proud about that trade is the fact that it never leaked out. I have a feeling that there would have been teams in the league that
would have upped their offer to get Gasol or they would have locked the
Memphis GM in a closet to keep him from making that deal.”
In other words, Memphis might have gotten a better deal. Which raises the question, why did Memphis not do what any casual fan would have had the business acumen to do?
Maybe the answer is the Grizzlies are losing around $16 million a year and are trying to dump salary to be more attractive to a potential buyer, a buyer who might want to move the team from Memphis and would need approval of the league to relocate. Enter David Stern. Exit Pau Gasol.
When Donaghy, not exactly the picture of integrity, raises issues about a level playing field in the league it is easy to dismiss his accusations as self serving. But, when you look at the totality of Stern’s record as commissioner it’s not hard to believe the NBA is part pure competition and part put up job.
If the Lakers win the NBA title and David Stern hands the trophy to Jerry Buss, remember this. It isn’t the first time this year Stern has tried to do exactly that. And the Lakers wouldn’t even be playing the Spurs if not for David Stern.
The Donaghy affair might be an isolated incident, but at this distance it doesn’t feel that way. The NBA needs a full, complete, and open investigation of it’s officials. And the probe has to be lead by someone of integrity. Someone who can safe guard the integrity of the game. That can’t be done with the man who oversaw the Pau Gasol heist as commissioner.
For the good of the game, Stern must go.
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May 22, 2008 at 5:49 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Sports crime has become too predictable.
Rape, robbery, drugs, vandalism, disturbing the piece, gambling, firearms possession, patronizing prostitutes, and the occasional gun fight. And murder.
And that’s just what we hear about.
So I propose we recruit a better class of criminal. Bring in some of the big names in sports and, for crying out loud, come up with something new in the way of sports crimes.
I would like to see:
Tony Romo arrested for stalking Jessica Simpson. Then as he’s being lead away I hope the police hear him say he thought he was at Carrie Underwood’s house.
Arnold Palmer going down for a massive conspiracy to sell watered down Pennzoil.
Wouldn’t it be neat to learn that Wayne Gretzky was the head of organized crime in Canada?
Or to see John Madden taken away in cuffs after settling an old score by beating up Al Michaels with a turducken?
The new Yankee Stadium torched after the Steinbrenner family becomes engaged in a feud among organized crime families to control garbage delivery in Hoboken, New Jersey.
Every NBA referee from the 1990’s is indicted for conspiring to allow Michael Jordan to travel EVERY SINGLE TIME HE TOUCHED THE BALL. Bitter? Me? No, why do you ask?
A few years down the road, Brett Favre arrested for taking a nurse hostage while trying to break out of a retirement home.
I want the head on Barry Bonds booking photo to not fit onto his mug shot. And for that to be introduced as evidence against him.
If at all possible I’d like to see Coach K on a convenience store video tape knocking over a 7-11.
Any kind of crime involving Charles Barkley dressed as a woman.
Annika Sorenstam arrested by the Department of Homeland Security in possession of a thermonuclear device.
David Beckham being stopped by cops in a small town in Alabama and repeatedly tazed after they knock out one of his head lights during a traffic stop. "You ain’t from around here are you, boy?"
I want the University of Michigan to fire Rich Rodriquez after finding a still in his basement.
In a repeat of the famous typhoon scene in "The Caine Mutiny" the entire Navy football team court marshaled for staging a mutiny during the Wake Forest football game after trailing 17-5 at half time.
Scott Boras arrested as a pimp.
Charlie Weis in handcuffs after being caught as a wheel man in connection with a series of armed robberies committed by Lou Holtz (who is caught wearing a Steve Spurrier mask).
Bill Belichick booked as a peeping Tom. His accomplice, Roger Goodale, is found in possession of incriminating videos of their late night escapades.
And finally, I’d like to see O.J. Simpson repeat his famous slow speed car chase. On a Zamboni.
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May 20, 2008 at 6:33 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Tonight’s topic is money.
#1-If O.J. Mayo got $30,000 indirectly from an agent a year before signing a multi-million dollar contract is he A)A disreputable character whose actions cast a shadow on a fine academic institution, B)A rental player just taking a swig from a bottle everyone drinks from, or C)A real sucker for just getting a lousy thirty grand?
#2-Find the flaw in this statement. Rich Rodriquez was paid $14 million to leave West Virginia to become the new football coach at Michigan. A)Nobody in their right mind would pay a college football coach $2.5 million a year, B)Rodriquez’ loyalty to WVU could have been purchased much more cheaply or C)They should have spent the money on the guy from Appalachian State.
#3-If Alex Rodriquez makes $27.5 million a year and is on pace to hit 16 home runs this season, should a guardian be appointed for Hank Steinbrenner until he can prove himself competent to handle his own affairs?
#4-If the Kansas City Royals paid Gil Meche $7.4 million to lose thirteen games last season, how much would it cost them for their ace to lose 20 games? A)$11.38 million, B)$711,000 for each home run Alex Rodriquez will hit this season, C)Don’t be silly, the Royals would surely be outbid by the Yankees for a pitcher with that kind of potential, of D)All of the above.
#5-Meche’s $55 million dollars converted into $4 six inch hot dogs would stretch how far-A)To last place, B) To the moon and back, or C)From Kansas City to the approximate location of the wreck of the U.S.S. Monitor.
#6-If the bond market keeps going south will the Dallas Cowboys be so much
in debt for their new gilded palace of sin (sorry about that Gram) they
are forced to hock some of Terrell Owens jewelry?
#7-Is Commissioner Goodale’s contract written so that if he is injured or has a bad year the league can not pay him what he signed for and choose instead just to take a hit against the salary cap? Oh, wait…
#8-If you can’t find NHL playoff games on TV does that mean more or less money for scalpers? And in a related area, if Sid Crosby fell in an arena with no televison would it make a sound?
#9-David Beckham’s contact is for $25 million. If there are 6,432 actual hard core pro soccer fans in North America how much would it cost to buy Beckham a nice SUV and a gas card, and send him around the country to meet each of them personally?
#10-Annika Sorenstam has earned $22 million on the LPGA tour and Tiger Woods earns $90 million counting endorsements. On what date would Woods pass Sorenstam’s all time winnings? A)What’s a Fuzzy Zoeller?, B)Shortly before V.J. Singh pauses to stop saying dumb things about other players, or C)March 28.
Answers (1-C, 2-B, 3-Yes, but what would be the fun in that, 4-D, 5-C (really), 6-Yes, and Tony Romo will have to start going dutch on dates, 7-Of course not, 8-No and you can but your Ovechkin on it, 9-Yes, but people would see Posh in the car and not come to the door, 10-C).
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May 17, 2008 at 4:33 am · Filed under Uncategorized
Note-First things first. I was WRONG about Lebron James (at least for one night). The big guy turned it on and turned it up. Last night the whole package (scoring, rebounds, assists, defense) was there for all 48 minutes.
Last night the Boston Celtics looked like the basketball equivalent of one of Charlie
Brown’s little league teams. Just put Doc Rivers in one of those
sweaters with the zig-zag patterns.
Boston 69 Cleveland 74.
How does a team hyped as a title contender end up scoring just 69 points?
Let me count the ways:
Let 36 of your 69 shots come from two players (Garnett 21, Pierce 15).
Get only 13 chances at the free throw line.
Four shots each from two starters (Rondo and Perkins).
Do what most good NBA teams can’t (hold Ray Allen to 8 shots and 9 points).
Get just 12 points and 16 shots from the bench (most of which seemed to come from Glenn Davis missing after offensive rebounds).
Accumulate just 19 assists in 48 minutes.
Put up just 37 rebounds, with no player in double figures.
Shoot 39.7% from the floor.
Home court-road game talk aside, this was just bad basketball. I’ve seen Garnett within the context of the Timberwolves generating offense and lifting everyone else up with him. Last night was different. Last night it was Garnett and the Invisible Men.
No ball movement. Nobody hitting the open shot. Very little open floor basketball. Just alot of standing around waiting for Garnett to do the work.
The NBA game continues to drift in the direction of low scoring. Possibly salaries play a part. You pay mega salaries to star players and they expect, and so does management, the offense will run through them. The fashionable thing to do is bring in "complimentary players" who know their job is to do one thing well (defense, rebounding, passing).
What you end up with is nobody who can hit a shot after your third option (or, in Cleveland’s case maybe not even a second option). Each possession uses most of the shot clock, giving defenses time to adjust. And the running game never gets going.
Watching the Celtics offense last night was like watching paint dry. They played defensive offense and never attacked, never took a chance at a shot early in the clock. Tired old men playing a tired old game.
Will Boston beat Cleveland at home in Game 7? Don’t know. Lebron James could make me eat my words (again).
I do know this. I’ve seen alot of NBA title teams over the years.
This season’s Celtics won’t be one of them.
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May 16, 2008 at 3:13 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
Notes from around the world of sports:
Remember when Charles Barkley used to talk about possibly running for Governor of Alabama. I’ve got 5-1 that’s not happening. (I’ll even give points).
Great playoffs this year in the NBA. Will it translate into higher TV ratings and popularity for the game? Maybe yes, maybe no. College basketball has universal appeal, but the pro game doesn’t. In theory the NBA should overtake the NFL. In reality, it’s not close.
The question has changed from whether the Patriots cheated to whether it helped them on the field. If you accept that Bill Belichick is a very smart coach, and he is, why would he have taken such risks if there was no advantage? We’re not talking the 1919 WhiteSox, but what New England did to the intergrity of the game is in that neighborhood.
A Florida player used the gas card of a young woman who died in an accident with her boyfriend who played for the Gators. Pretty awful, even by college sports standards, and the player was kicked off the team. But where is the accountability for the coaching staff that recruited him? College coaches bring bad actors on campus and put up with misconduct, then act shocked when it crosses a line. Coaches preach accountability to players. They should practice it.
The NFL has it’s own character problems. Off season arrests are stuck at the same levels as the past, regardless of Commissioner Goodale’s actions against the likes of PacMan Jones. Sports is like education. It all starts at home.
When is Tony Stewart going to find a groove? Arguably the best driver in NASCAR has finished no better than 4th in his last five races. Stewart’s driving style hasn’t changed, but he’s like a jockey coming down the stretch without enough horse under him. Is the real problem in the garage at Joe Gibbs racing?
The Saint Louis Cardinals will get Mark Mulder and Chris Carpenter back at some point this season. Already in the hunt, that will be the equivalent of two pretty good in-season trades without giving up a player. Most observers want to concede the NL Central to the Cubs, but St. Louis and Houston can’t be counted out.
Speaking of the Astros, has anyone noticed the numbers Lance Berkman has hung up? Fifteen home runs, 43 RBI, and a .391 average. It works out to 57 home runs and 165 RBI. It could be one of the great seasons of modern baseball, and without even a suggestion of steroids.
Which makes you think. What is ARod doing for his $28 million? Four home runs, 11 RBI, .285. When you see Rodriquez and Tulowitzski going out with quadriceps injuries you start to believe strength training is a two edged sword. Today’s players have more power than ever, but at the cost of durability.
Quick. Who is in the Stanley Cup chase? I don’t know and I like to think I’m a hockey fan. The league took in alot of money in franchise fees and expanded to non-traditional markets to increase interest in the sport. Now there are no more than two good lines (if that) on teams and the quality of the game has eroded badly. Soon nobody will care.
Women’s sports lost their best tennis player (Henin) and best golfer (Sorenstram) in the same week. Imagine if baseball lost Jeter and basketball Howard at the same time. They could sustain the loss, but will women’s tennis and golf be able to? Hard to see how.
Big Brown should win the Triple Crown. But without a rival there to challenge in each race and build interest it will be the least exciting triple in racing history. The horse lacks something. You hate to say it, because it is an animal we’re talking about, but there is a personality issue there (or lack of one).
And finally, the Cleveland Cavaliers.
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May 15, 2008 at 2:12 pm · Filed under Uncategorized
After James’ Cavaliers lost to the Celtics in Game 5, Lebron James (international icon) said "A Lebron James team is never desperate."
Maybe the Cavs should consider desperation.
Down 3-2 to Boston it’s time for something, maybe even something as radical as playing all 48 minutes. And maybe it’s time for Cleveland to stop being a "Lebron James" team and becoming a NBA playoff level "TEAM" instead of the basketball equivalent of the Pips.
Because Gladys (Lebron) can’t carry a tune through the whole concert, and the midnight train to nowhere is at the station ready for their arrival.
To recap. Cleveland is up 44-29 with 3:51 left in the first half of Wednesday night’s game. With 1:04 left in the third quarter Boston is up 12. During this 27 point swing, James is 0-4 with 2 assists and a turnover.
Lebron’s reaction?
“I thought I was going to play well. And I continued to play well. I
didn’t continue to shoot the ball extremely well like I started, but I
was still able to attack and get to the lane and do the things that I’m
used to or accustomed to doing. Pretty good performance by me as an
individual, like I said, but us losing the game means more than
anything.”
James got 35 points. The "king" of the Cavs offense took 38% of their shots and got 39% of Cleveland’s points. Which isn’t a bad night, but it’s not "playing well" enough to win in the playoffs.
You get the idea James is waiting on his teammates to elevate their game. But when your teammates are named Ilgauskas, West, Wallace, and Szczerbiak that isn’t an option. James can’t continue to rush out to good starts and then take four shots in 15 minutes.
The disappearing act has to stop.
In business we have a concept called "off the hook". Basically, it’s a reminder that no matter what you did (or someone else didn’t do) you’re not off the hook if the results aren’t there. If someone else on the team isn’t picking up the slack you’ve got to step up.
Same rules apply on the basketball court.
In year five of Lebron James the Cavaliers have missed the playoffs twice, lost in the second round, lost in the finals, and are on the edge of going out in the second round this year. James wants the acclaim accorded to the league’s best players but those players (Bird, Jordan, Johnson) won in the playoffs and were present for 48 minutes.
James has one year left and an option and has spent the season worrying about the team around him. Unless Cleveland adds a second option, the way the Lakers added Gasol to Kobe Bryant, next year is going to look alot like this one.
So James comes to Game 6 at a turning point. He can crank it up and carry the Cavaliers, or he can be satisfied hitting 30 and go home. If that’s the tune he wants to sing, then you have to wonder what the next verse is.
The league took care of Kobe Bryant and the Lakers with the inexplicable Pau Gasol trade. Maybe Stern & Co can find a gift to send to Cleveland, or maybe the real deal is to let James career as a Cavalier play out before he becomes a Knick.
The choices all belong to Lebron James and they are now down to two.
Show up Friday night for 48 or go home. Wherever that turns out to be.
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May 14, 2008 at 7:01 am · Filed under Uncategorized
I’ve seen the error of my ways.
I opposed tearing down Yankee Stadium until I saw artist’s drawings of the new Yankee Stadium. It makes the house Ruth built look somewhere a crack addict would live. Bigger seats, better views, more places to buy $4 soft drinks. The stuff our society is built on.
You get to thinking. Do we really need to preserve so much of our history? Gettysburg would look so much better with a dirt bike track around all those monuments. I think the guys who nearly froze to death and starved at Valley Forge would have no problem at all with a Taco Bell by the banks of the Delaware. Ford’s Theater screams for a IMAX screen. Get that ship wreck moved out of Pearl Harbor and put some leaping dolphins and a whale or two in.
Bleep history.
So when the big dump in the Bronx comes down it ought to be a signal to the rest of sports. Time to think outside the box.
First we light up Wrigley Field. I know, traditionally we knock down historical structures, but the pyromaniac in us all would be so much more satisfied if we burned the sucker down. Think about it, how else are we going to get rid of that creepy ivy on the outfield walls? The stuff just grows back if you pull it up. Then we come back in with a dome and put all those rooftop guys out of business.
Fenway Park would be next to go. You can’t get enough people in and the neighborhood is lousy with bars. The Cask & Flagon, The Lower Depths (indeed), Boston Beer Works, and the Baseball Tavern. There’s a big vacant lot over at something called the Boston Commons you could rebuild on. The land is just sitting there, crying out for public parking. We can turn Fenway into the world’s largest Citgo Station. There’s already a sign up.
Lambeau Field is another dump needing replacement. Haven’t these knuckleheads heard of indoor heat? Who wants to sit outside in five degree weather when we could easily move the whole enterprise over to Milwaukee and stick it in Miller Park. Then you just change the name of the team to the Milwaukee Frosty Cold Ones to honor the city’s heritage.
The Coliseum in Los Angeles irks me. You’ve got this little backwater town that can’t even get a NFL team in and they keep this fossil of a stadium seating 92,000. It’s called the Memorial Coliseum, in memory of the veterans of WW1. Get real, WW1 is like so, 1918. Traffic is terrible in LA, so you’d have to build the stadium east of the city but still near the interstate. I checked the map and there’s something called the San Bernadino National Forest out by I-15 that would work great for a smaller stadium.
Speaking of excess capacity, what about Beaver Stadium at Penn State, a.k.a. the Rodent Bowl? You can get 107,282 people there (enough to seat all the Penn State players parole officers). One word-downsize. You could build a retirement community on site. They say there is a real need up there. This one eighty-one year old fellow has had to keep working at the same job for 59 years because there just isn’t any suitable housing nearby.
Notre Dame could use a new place, or maybe just update what they’ve got. They could start by taking those ugly diagonal lines out in the end zone. Kids want something that speaks to their college experience. How about at the opposite end zone from that other statue something where the leprechaun slides down into tank of beer every time the Irish score. You could get the Claussen kid to work out the details, and if the offense doesn’t improve you won’t have to worry about the wee fellow getting wet most weeks (the leprechaun, not Clausen).
Cameron Indoor Stadium at Duke. A waste. An absolute waste. You’ve got the makings of a great sports venue. Screaming drunken kids just out of their minds, waiting lines for tickets, hundreds of thousands of people who discovered they were Duke fans when the team started winning. We could sell 30,000 tickets a night and build the "Crazy K’s Thunder Palace".
And finally, this place. One word-bulldozer (or is that two)?
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May 13, 2008 at 5:46 am · Filed under Uncategorized
Vernon probably wasn’t old as he looked.
Weather beaten face, lines that had lines, a tan definitely not acquired at the beach. "Well, there’s a little to work with here, but not much. It’s going to cost you. You’re George’s boy, right? Should be good for it."
Hank had money. That wasn’t the question.
"You keepin’ this ARod?
Hank nodded. "Cost me $275 million. I think so."
"Don’t say, don’t say. You ever been to town before you got takin’ there boy?" The old man laughed the kind of laugh that felt like it was made of concertina wire.
"What about the Giambi?"
The old man just shook his head. "I can’t do anything what that. Rotted right through. The Damon over there is busted up. Looks OK from the outside but darn near worthless. And watch this."
The contractor took a level out and placed it face up so Hank Steinbrenner could see the bubble. Then he rolled a ball across the main room. It kept going out the door and down to the street.
"See that, your catcher is just about gone."
"But what about the Posada?"
"Didn’t you hear me boy, it’s shot. Look, this trap isn’t going to pass inspection if you fill it up with a bunch of antique equipment ain’t up to code. The Jeter is old but serviceable and I’ll bring some gas from down at the truck. Maybe we can get the Cano restarted and find something to do with that Cabrera. Say, somebody told me they offered you an almost new Santana for that Cabrera and the Hughes you got on blocks down to the shed. That true?"
Hank’s face reddened. "I’d rather not talk about that. Get on with it."
"Looks good over there in your neighbors driveway." Vernon grinned. George hated it when Vernon grinned.
"And even though you got slickered on the Matsui I guess we can keep that. You need to just chuck the Abreu, though. Might be next week, might be next year, but it ain’t pulling any power. Just a waste of your money to keep it going. I’ll be needin’ to see the pitching."
This was what Hank had been dreading.
"Boy, howdy, look at this crap! A Petitte, a Mussina, and son tell me that ain’t no LaTroy Hawkins?"
Hank slip his foot over to flip a rug over the David Wells he just bought. It didn’t quite cover the massive Wells. It never did.
"Now that’s a fine Chamberlin you got, but you gotta remember they’s made to be used. Looks like you been keeping this one in the garage. Take it out and fire it up, they’re meant to be pitched. That’s a fine Wang you got, and that old Rivera will probably keep running for years. Most of the rest of this stuff you can….wait a minute, I don’t believe it. I’d heard about this, that’s a…"
Steinbrenner wasn’t used to being laughed at, even though he had been getting plenty of practice lately. "It’s a @##%$ Pavano. Could you just give me an estimate and let’s get on with this?"
Vernon was over in the corner, holding his side with tears rolling down his cheeks. Laughing so hard he could barely breathe his words came out in gaps.
"Just, just a minute, I’ll be fine. I’m sure sorry, I didn’t mean any disrespect. Wait, is that an Igawa?"
It was on again. Five minutes of Vernon slapping his palm on the table and pointing and laughing. Sure Hank’s dad had let Cashman, the old family retainer, make some stupid acquisitions, but the Steinbrenner name meant something before and it would again.
Quietly, and with a resolution nobody had seen since he let old Torre go, Hank got out his checkbook. "Mr. Farley, give me a list of what you’ll require. Haul off what you don’t need and go to town for the rest."
"Well, I can get my cousin Jake to haul that GIrardi down off the roof. That’s a start. I’ll be needing a new first baseman. The Texeira is on the market. Pure quality and power to spare."
"Do it."
"We’ll fix up the Cano, keep the Jeter. You sure about the ARod?"
"I’m sure."
"Then we’ll take the Damon and the Abreu down to the dump, leave the Matsui and Cabrera there but keep an eye on them in case they start breaking down. I’ll have a Dunn shipped in from Cincinnati. I know somebody who’s got an option on a Guerrero. If he doesn’t pick it up we need to jump all over that."
"Agreed."
Vernon shook his head. "Now, the pitching is where we need invest. You got a bad foundation the whole sheebang can cave in you."
"How well I know."
"It’s going to cost us, but I’d go for Sabathia AND Sheets. You might as well just give the Mussina and Pettite to Good Will. The Kennedy and Hughes we can get running. And don’t forget what I said. That Chamberlin needs to be used. We’ll pick up a Lidge just in case the Rivera gives out, a maybe a Fuentes and a Ayala."
"Here’s the check. Cashman will give you a lift back to town."
Vernon squinted hard at the zeroes on the check. "You good for this? Cause if you ain’t I know where you live."
"Everybody does" Hank sighed. "Everybody does."
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