Well, maybe not.
Here I am watching women’s Olympic basket soccer on TV. I think it’s called team handball, but I like basket soccer better. You have dribbling, and just like the NBA you get to take up to three steps with the ball and nobody calls it. Then the ball carrier throws the ball at the net and tries to get it past a goal keeper.
Basket soccer.
It’s fast paced, fun, and competitive. Who knew? And when can we replace arena football with it?
I might as well admit it. I’m enjoying the Olympics. I would prefer not to. When I watched the opening ceremonies from Beijing I kept thinking Leni Riefenstahl would have loved it. Every trace of individual identity ground under the heel of an authoritarian state. All of it carefully managed by a government whose biggest worry is stopping Bible smugglers.
Image the 1936 Olympics with Jim Lampley and Bob Costas doing commentary.
Jim Lampley? I remember when he was hired out of college because of his youthful look. Now his on-air presence is so unmemorable that you couldn’t trace a chalk outline around his dead career.
It could be worse. At least Bryant Gumbel and Jim Rome aren’t there. Together with Lampley and Costas, they form the Four Horsemen of the Inane. Picture them together in one room.
(Gumbel) "Enough of about you, let’s talk about me."
(Costas) "I remember Mickey Mantle. It was October of 1956."
(Rome) "Dude,do not concur. He wasn’t all that. Now the dude could rake. But he’s no ARod. Get 1956 out of your head, clone, and have a take."
(Costas) "Forty four years old, and you can’t talk in complete sentences without pausing for a ten count? You need to see my Emmy collection."
(Lampley) "Emmy? Which was one Emmy? I promise you I’ve never met the woman and I did not, repeat did not, violate that restraining order."
(Gumbel) "The inability of white American sportswriters to own their collective guilt continues to astound this reporter."
(Lampley, Costas, Rome) "Shut up! Just, for once in your life, shut up!"
I’m enjoying the Olympics despite the announcers. Especially the sports I wouldn’t normally get to see. Rowing is fun and seems to be on constantly. I like hearing what sounds like a car horn going off each time a team crosses the finish line. You hear that horn and have images of someone jumping out of their boat, grabbing their medal, and running across a parking lot to a waiting truck. "Thanks, guys, but mom’s waiting. If she has to honk that horn a second time she’ll leave me here."
Basketball hasn’t been much to watch. Team Nike is crushing every thing in it’s path. Poor guys. When they lose they are a national disgrace, and when they win we’ll complain that it was all too easy. Not to worry, the important thing is how it all looks in the next Swoosh commercial.
Speaking of which, Liu Xiang, the poster athlete for Nike this Olympics went down with an injury. The statement out of Beaverton read, "Nike is proud of being able to cooperate with Liu Xiang closely. At
this time, we fully understand his feelings,and expect him to return to
the field after he is fully recovered."
Unless he and his family disappear in the middle of night, but that just goes without saying.
Michael Phelps? I’ve heard the name, but can’t quite place it. Seriously, though, where does he rank among the all-time great Olympic athletes? I always give the track and field guys an edge over swimmers, whose events are more similar and can accumulate medals more easily.
Finally, would someone tell the US baseball team there is no crying in Olympic baseball? The Cubans threw high and tight at a US batter in a bunt situation and Davey Johnson acted as if it was a bad thing. Say what you will about Cuba, when you watch the Cuban team you are watching baseball played right and well.
Soon the Olympics will be over. I’m going to miss it.
Now, where do I go to watch basket soccer?
